Imperfect | est. 2015

18. Flashbacks

I shut my eyes for a moment... whatever lied between me and Tyler had to have been serious, especially if I was forced to face my biggest fears with only him the car.

Connor and Addison claimed that they'd stay in the truck and keep an eye out from around the corner. Who knows what I could do while I was all wound up like this? I would barely remember how to clasp the steering wheel.

Then I took a breath and was out of the car and crossing the pavement.

I could feel the mortifying weights in my gut. It was like I'd swallowed a bunch of rocks.

I felt like my legs were numb and I was just dragging them with me.
There was no pure or solid explanation to what I was feeling.

And once I was right outside Tyler's car, he looked twice and stepped out, "Hey." he greets me, gently.

He was probably warned ahead of time that I would be absolutely petrified.
He opened his arms to greet me with a hug, but I nervously turned it down.
My arms felt like concrete.
I let them fall to my sides while I stepped past him and sat stiffly in the driver's seat.
and for a second he only watched. I wanted to get it over with.
Like ripping off a bandaid.
But I knew it wouldn't work like that.

I couldn't look up from my feet. The heavy stones in my gut were sitll there.

I could see him circling the front of the car to get to me, from the corner of my eye.

It was as if my nerves were shot. I was shivering although it wasn't cold. If I'd known, in advance, that facing my fear would be this hard... I would've never agreed to it.

"Skylar...," Tyler's voice echoed beside me while I hazily stared at my shoe laces. He went on in a whispier, "Are you sure you can do this?"

I shut my eyes for a moment.

I needed to find a way to mentally cheat this. I had to fake the braviery. But it would be so much more complicated than that.

I thought to myself, just get it over with. you'll feel so much better afterwards....

But it wasn't my voice, it was Connor's.

I was playing all these voices that belonged to other people in my head... over and over, I imagined them telling me what to do. Even my parents... although the memory of their voice was unclear.

And the one that struck me most intensely was the image of Christopher's voice... soft and quiet... although I rememered so little of it, I could vaguely set together the details of it. He sounded so innocent... as if he was shaking, do it for me...

And I felt as if my heart had just about stopped.

But then I was ready.

I looked up, feeling the numbness crawl over my skin from head to toe... then started the car.

To Tyler's suprise, he sets on his seatbelt, adjusting how he sat, "Don't think about it too much. You'll be okay..."

His attempted comfort? Was discomforting.

I just didn't speak. I held my hands firmly on the leather wheel and started to push on the gas. And we started moving forward. My breaths were no longer existant at that point. I had no thoughts on when to decide to breathe again. I just needed to get past the present.

Slowly beginning to accelerate, Tyler cleared his throat, "Skylar," he stutters, "I have something to say..."

"What." I said through my teeth.

I focussed on the details. The curves in the road and the street sign. The long branches that curled up and over it. Everything was so vividly familiar.