Imperfect | est. 2015

51. Thanks To Nobody

Thanks to nobody, I showed up on my first day of Senior year with a shaky hands and sweat beading down my forehead. There was nothing but nerves for me. I had nothing to be afraid of, yet I feared everything.
I walked in through the front doors and stood by my new locker with my books in my hands. I couldn't take my eyes off of nothing. It was just how my brain would click.
As soon as I saw people passing by behind me, I could hear them laughing. I knew it wasn't about me, I knew they were talking about something else; but there was a constant paranoia in my gut.
But what the hell did it mean? I used to be afraid of nothing but driving on that road. I used to be able to step into the first day of high school with my head high and practically kick the doors open. People's opinions meant nothing to me.
I guess, whatever might've happened that summer just meant I had to readjust or something.
-
"Everything okay?" Connor practically snuck up behind me while I was still just eyeballing my closed locker.
I jumped. Even when he was looking right at me, I couldn't think straight, "Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine."
When I tried to hurry to my first class so I wouldn't be late, he stopped me from turning and set his hand on my shoulder, "Wait, Skylar," and I turned around to face him, "I have to find out where my class is so I'm not late."
And he lowered his eyebrows, "what's going on with you?"
I didn't know how to answer. When I looked down, I could see that my hands were shaking. And there was nothing specific going on in my mind. I worried that somebody would talk about Tyler and I would hear it. I was scared I would see Addison in the hallway and she would shoot me one of those distant looks. I was just overthinking everything. I didn't understand why, but I was.
"Nothing," I tried to avoid looking at him any longer; if I did, I wouldn't be able to shake off whatever was going on in my head, "you should just get to class. I don't want you to be late."
Before, it looked like he was going to kiss me, but then he sighed and took his arm off my shoulder, "Okay," he murmured. He wanted to hear what was wrong, I know he did; I just didn't know how to answer any of his questions.
I tried not to look at anyone while I looked for the right classroom, but when I looked back, Connor was staring back at me with his shoulders low. He looked like a deflated puppy. I couldn't go back and try to make him feel better about it, I just needed to walk away.
I don't know what that summer did to me, but I was kinda hoping it wasn't a permanent thing.

-

"I'm sorry for your loss," a hand landed on my shoulder as soon as I was drowning in thought in my desk near the back of the room. My stomach felt like an anchor in the pit of my gut. I had nothing in my head but the thought of someone saying those exact words. And as soon as I turned around, I could see him. Some kid who I'd only seen a couple times. Pale skin and light blue eyes; he wasn't friends with anybody I knew well enough to remember his name. But I knew he had to know Tyler. I just didn't know that anyone knew of the complicated connection there was.
"Yeah," I muttered, only turning my head for a second, "me too."

And when I thought it was going to end there, he sighed and tapped on my shoulder again, after I'd already turned my head back, "All the reports said that you and that Connor kid were there when it happened."

I could do nothing but bite down on my lip and nod. I was already preparing myself for all the questions.

"Was it scary?"

I knew what he meant, but didn't want to, "What do you mean?"

He swallowed, uneasily, "Well... watching someone... do something like that to themselves."

A few images of it flashed in my head and I was ready to just close my eyes and hide my face. When things like that would come back, they'd remind me intensely.
I tried to shake it off, but I ended up shutting my eyes for a moment, "Yeah, it was scary." And I muttered it so quickly. I didn't want to be late when class actually started, but I had to step out of the room so I wouldn't get another anxiety attack. It was strange; having something like that happen. It would only happen since the day my grandmother died. Then they'd intensified since Tyler was gone.
It was a new thing for me that I still hadn't gotten used to.