Imperfect | est. 2015

32. July

I watched as the horrible vehicles that came to take my grandmother away were parked outside of my house and getting ready to leave.

I watched from my bedroom window and sat with my legs folded. I felt as if I was spacing out... but enough to where I couldn't refocus myself. There were thousands of things trying to pry their way into my mind at once.

And I was shutting it all out.

Connor was supposed to be here. If this were to ever happen, he promised to be here. I would have my best friend to lie to me and tell me that it was going to be okay. Even if I would deny it and say that it wasn't. Even if I didn't want to admit to myself that I had just a little bit of strength to hold onto my own sanity, having Connor there would make it that much easier.

But he wasn't there.

The cars drove off before I could even latch my eyes onto something else. And I watched my poor grandfather stand in the yard with his eyes on the street. I should've been standing there... taking place of comfort and wrapping my arms around him. He just lost the most important person of his life and I was just watching it happen.

And the guilt of that was eating me alive, but I still didn't move.

I needed my best friend.

I pulled my phone out with the little energy I had. My face was sticky from all the tears and I had refused to let out the rest of them. I was holding my breath over and over— thinking that it would make the pain numb at least a little. But it wouldn't. I knew that.

I called Connor, not knowing what else to do. I didn't know what I was going to say or if he would even answer me, but I had to hear his voice. I knew he would give me some grand advice or even come over. I just had kinda hoped that he forgot what happened. Even though I knew he wouldn't.

The phone rang over and over... until it gave me his voicemail.

And I wasn't suprised.

Once it told me to leave a message, I took a breath, realizing that I would actually need to speak, "Hey, Connor, it's me uh...," I didn't even sound like myself, "look, I know you're probably still in a weird mood and all but... I just... I need to see you... something happened and I...," and for a long moment, I held my breath again, "just call me back when you get the chance..."

And after that, I just threw my phone on the pillow beside me.

I was completely blank minded... but at the same time, I couldn't stop thinking.

I was ready to just curl up and try and sleep, but my head was pounding. I was beginning to fall into a habit of terribly breathing. My throat was swollen and my eyes were hard to hold open.

I felt so different, I could hardly put it in detail.

And I was still watching. After minutes, my grandpa finally decided to turn around and start to move again. He walks toward the house with a blank look on his face. And I couldn't even tell what was going through his head, but the way he walked back into the house— made it obvious that he was broken hearted.

****

Days past.

I was still sitting in my bedroom.

Sleeping completely off schedule, then waking up just so I could stare out the window again. There wasn't even much to look at, other than an empty road and the houses across the street.

I hadn't heard my grandpa come and check on me, because he was probably doing the same thing I was. He would drive off to get groceries, then come home and stare at the walls. I knew that's what he was doing.

And once I realized that it was already July 2nd, I had no care in the world.

I felt like a different person.

Connor never called back.

And Addison didn't reach out to me at all, either.

I felt alone, but nothing seemed to phase me. I felt like a brick wall.

I didn't change my shirt. I didn't wash my hair. I never got up to eat. I didn't even realize I was hungry.

But someone else did.

My grandpa knocked on my door frame, gently and opened the door just enough to speak, "Sky?" He tried to get my attention.

I knew he was there, but I didn't acknowledge it. He was just staring at the back of my head while I had my eyes locked on the nothingness out the window.

"Sky, you need to eat something." He tells me.

I just blinked slowly and let my eyes dart to a farther part of the road.

How could I will myself to say any more than I already had.

"I will make you something... what do you want?"

I could hear the raspiness in his voice. He was just as tired as I was. The two of us were exhausted, but he was the one trying to get back on his feet. He was tougher than I was, "Talk to me."

I bit down on my lip. He had to know that even if he made me a buffet for me and served it to my feet, I would just look at it. I couldn't process the idea of food at the moment.

"Can I, at least, get you some water?"

There was nothing to say. I knew I was supposed to be there for him... I knew he only wanted me to answer so he could have a normal conversation with someone while he'd just lost the person he would speak to the most... and the fact that I wasn't saying a word— was a never ending guilt.

There was a long pause before he asked the next question. He was trying... he was trying his best and I was practically pushing him away.

"Two days from now is Independence Day... didn't you want to do something with Connor?"

I'd completely forgot about that. The trip to Washington.

Every year, we planned to go a road trip to "Long Beach" Washington and see one of the best fireworks shows ever.

And every year, something got in the way of the plans and we couldn't go through with it... and so far, it looked that was going to happen again.

"I don't know if that's gonna happen this year, Gramps." And feeling the words come from my mouth after that long of trying not to speak felt so strange.

"Why not?"

I sighed and felt the fabric of the blanket I was sitting on. I nervously felt through the ends of the comforter while the topic was boiling through my head again, "I don't know."

I knew he could tell I was lying, "Why don't you give him a call?"

"I tried that."

He stood there for another long second. He was just as lost as I was.

I didn't know what to say and neither did he.

In a situation like that, Grams would step in and tell me what would be the right thing to do. Then she would come back and get me to eat.

And there was nothing more for him to say.

He just sighed in return... and shuts the door behind him on the way out of the room.

And all I could do was continue to stare.

For hours and hours.

The longest I have spent in my life doing absolutely nothing.