Lovesick Witches

More Contemplation and More Discovery

I sat at my desk in my room watching the sun go down, a few days after I watched the sun go down in the library with my friends. It had been another normal day at school. Another day of not speaking to Miss Hardbroom. 

Studying for me had gotten harder and harder each day. I was starting to go off track without anyone there to guide me. I missed the times when I used to go to the potions lab and study with Miss Hardbroom. I missed the feeling of happiness I got when I was stuck on something but then Miss Hardbroom explained it to me and I understood. Without HB, there were non of those moments of sudden understanding. It was all just overwhelming and difficult. 

After studying for over an hour, I got really stuck. I just couldn't understand the spell I was trying to study. We did it so differently at Pentangle's and I just couldn't understand it here, even after an hour of trying. 

I suddenly realised how late it was and how exhausted I felt. I looked over to my window and it was pitch black outside. I looked back down at the spell I had been trying to understand. It seemed foreign to me. I simply just didn't get it. 

I threw my pen onto the floor in frustration. It was impossible to learn everything on my own. I wouldn't be able to learn everything I had missed by being at Pentangle's in the space of less than a year without anyone helping me. 

I wished I was still talking to HB. I needed her if I had any chance of passing my exams! I couldn't do it by myself. Miss Hardbroom was the only chance I had to pass. I needed her help. 

But as much as I wished I could, I couldn't go and ask HB for help. Whether she would have agreed to it or not, I was the one being selfish by pulling away from the kiss. It was my fault that we were in the situation we were in. It would have been so wrong for me to just go to her and ask for help after upsetting her so much. I needed her in order to pass my exams. But I knew I couldn't ask her to help me. Not with the situation we were in. 

I was so stuck with my work and knew that trying to continue by myself wouldn't get me anywhere. I didn't know what to do. I wouldn't have any chance of passing my final exams. I had worn myself out by studying endlessly and not even improving. 

As this realisation hit me, I lay my head on the desk in front of me, on top of the books I had been studying from. I watched as a teardrop fell onto my work, smudging some of the writing. I felt awful as more tears began to helplessly roll down my cheeks. 

After reflecting on the terrible state of a mental block that I was in, a question began to stir in my mind. 

This whole time I had been so focused on my exams. Telling everyone how important they were. Telling myself how important they were. How essential it was that I passed my final exams with good grades. I had been believing that getting good grades in my exams was what mattered most to me. But why? Why were my final exams so important to me? I had never really taken a step back and thought about why it was so essential that I got good grades on them. 

Fifth year was the last year of school. In less than a year's time, I would be finished school. Getting good grades on my final exams was important to me because it would be good for my future. For my career. But I had never really thought about my future. What I would do after I graduated. 

I didn't actually have any idea what would happen after that. I had been so focused on everything leading up to my exams, but had never really looked to life beyond them. I didn't have a plan. I didn't know what I was going to do or where I was going to go. 

I sat at my desk and contemplated over this for a while as my tears dried up. 

What actually was the point? Why had I been so invested in these exams if I didn't even know what I was going to do with my results? I couldn't seem to find an actual reason for why I would need to do so well in my final exams in the long term. 

Why were these exams so important? Were they so important? 

I knew that they were important to me. I didn't know why. Well, I thought that they were important to me. I thought that passing my exams was what I wanted most. I thought that getting good grades was the thing that was going to make me happy. Temporarily, maybe. But what about the long term? 

My thoughts then began to take a turn. I started to think about Miss Hardbroom again. But surprisingly, my feelings when I thought about her then were so different to before. And I managed to work out why. 

I thought that I needed HB in order to pass my exams. Yes, I really liked her as a person, but I was convinced that my studies were the most important thing to me. Therefore, I was convinced that the reason I needed Miss Hardbroom most was so she could help me pass my exams. 

But as I sat at my desk that night, deep in thought, I started to understand something. The reason I needed Miss Hardbroom wasn't to pass my exams at all. That was not why I needed her. I realised that it wasn't the doing well in exams part that was giving me happiness. No. The thing that was giving me the happiness was HB. 

Miss Hardbroom was more important to me than passing my final exams. It was her that gave me the happiness. 

I knew I needed her. But I didn't really know why I needed her. I thought it was because her helping me was the only way I could catch up with my studies. And yes, that was the only way I would pass the exams. But what I began to realise was that why I thought I needed her wasn't actually why I needed her at all. But after that long contemplation, I knew why I needed her. Not to pass my exams, but because she made me happy and I wanted to be with her more than I wanted to pass some tests. 

I hated being ignored by Miss Hardbroom. I missed her so much. As I thought about this, a smile crossed my face. Everything became so much clearer. 

I knew what I had to do. I had to talk to HB.