Behind Blue Eyes

5

March 5th

Well, today is the day. OK, not "the" day, that's the 31st. I'm hoping all will fix itself by that time, but I hold a tremendous amount of doubt. The meeting is at noon and it's 11:23. Shit. I hurry up and get out of bed. Max just sits there, entranced by me moving around like a maniac. I throw on some casual clothes, grab Max and begin to head downstairs. David is at the kitchen table, waiting for me. He tosses me my keys.

"Ready to go?"

"Yup" I reply.

We hop into my car. "Hold Max for me, please."

"Oh! I like that name" he smiles. He takes Max and sets him in his lap. I start the car and pull out of the driveway.

As we drive, David tries to break the anxiety. "You'll be great."

"How do you know?"

"Because, you're putting a lot more tension into this than needed. Once you get in there and meet everyone, you'll probably fall in line."

"Probably? That doesn't sound too confident."

"Oh, you know what I mean, Sammie. You just gotta ease up, you know? Relax a little."

Before I know it, we've pulled into the parking lot. I take a deep breath, probably one of the biggest ones I've ever taken and I look at Max. He stares at me with love in his eyes. David puts his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm here if you need me at all."

"I know."

I step out of the car. I close it and start to walk towards the main door. I turn and look back at David. He smiles and waves. I half-smile back. I turn back around and make the decision. This is it. Either I go in and face my fears, or I can go back into the car, drive home and lay in bed with Max all day. Fuck it. I'm going in.

I open the doors and am greeted by a receptionist.

"Hi! How can I help you?"

"Hi, I'm looking for a group therapy meeting here. I don't know if I have the right place."

"Oh, you do! Dr. Rhedding is right down the hall. Third door on the right."

"Oh. Thank you so much."

"No problem!"

I trun and gaze down the hall. It seems like it goes on forever, but I know it doesn't. I slowly walk and find the room she's talking about. It's bigger than I thought it would be. There's a man, presumably the good doctor, talking in front of a group of people. I wait a second before entering. They all sit in seats.

"Alright, everyone, welcome" he greets.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Rhedding" they all say in a monotone voice. Yikes.

"Ahhh, come on, we can do better than that!"

"Good afternoon, Dr. Rhedding!" They say much, much louder.

"That's better!" he exclaims. He has a seat.

"So, did everyone have a nice week?"

"Yes" they all say.

"Hi" I interrupt. "I'm sory, I hope I'm not intruding."

"Oh no, not at all!" Dr. Rhedding says. "Please, come in. Have a seat! Make yourself at home."

I walk in and find an empty chair to sit in.

"And what is your name?"

"I'm Sam."

"Hi Sam" they all say.

"I'm Dr. Rhedding, it's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too."

"Uusally, new recruits into our group start the session by introducing us to themselves. If you're comfortable, would you like to tell us a little about youself?"

"Uh... sure. Hi, I'm Sam, but... you already know that by now. I've had severe depression for the last few years. My life has never been too perfect, but then again, no one's really is. It's just getting harder and harder to want to get out of bed in the morning. I just..." I almost want to start crying. "I'm sorry."

"No, no, you have nothing to be sorry about, that was great!" he says.

I take another deep breath to recompose myself.

"Why don't we all go around the room and introduce ourselves to Sam?" He continues. "Make her feel welcome, OK?"

The room is almost silent for a minute.

"Hi, I'm Michelle" someone says. "I've had bipolar disorder for two years now. It started slowly, at first, then just kept getting worse. My dad signed me up for this hoping it would be helpful. And it has, somewhat. It's kept it at bay."

Then, another voice: "I'm Encino. That's what people call me, that's what I'm comfortable with. My favorite movie is "Encino Man", so that explains the name. I don't know. I'm just depressed like a lot, and nothing seems to be working, so..." He trails off.

One by one, all of them go in a line. There's a girl named Brittany who has bad social anxiety. There's a man named Chip who has extreme OCD. Another named Michael who's working on his severe anger management issues. One named Alice who is as depressed as I am. The one who catches my attention, though, is a man named Paul. He doesn't speak, and remains silent during the entire meeting. He doesn't do this because he's pissed off at seeing me come in for the first time. He just seems really scared.

I have to be honest, once everyone went around the rooms introducing themselves, I felt a lot more at ease. David was right. Eventually, after a solid hour, the meeting ends. It didn't even feel that long. Progress is progress. I don't feel a resounding happiness after it's all over with, but I do feel less anxious.

Once the meeting is overwith, I'm able to recieve everyone's numbers. Paul hands me a slip of paper before he leaves the room. I open it and, inside, is an address. I go over to Dr. Rhedding.

"Do you know what this is? Paul gave it to me."

He smiles. "That's a nature trail about ten minutes away from here. That's his favorite place. He wants to meet you there so he can properly talk to you. He doesn't like speaking to new people in front of all of us."

"Oh" is all I can manage to say. The note says he wants to meet there, Sunday at Noon.

"It was wonderful to meet you. I hope to see you on Tuesday. We meet every tuesday and Friday."

"I'll try."

---

Nothing much else happens for the rest of the day. I feel very relieved that I got past the first meeting. My family was happy that I tried it and ended up liking it.

As I lay in bed with Max, I feel sad. I can't quite explain why, I just do. I hope it doesn't blossom into something bigger.

I fall asleep with Max in my arms. For some odd reason I feel sick. Maybe it's because I haven't eaten in a little while. I need to rectify that in the morning.