Behind Blue Eyes

20

March 20th

I wake up feeling about 85% better. My head is still pounding and my thoat is still sore from the puking onslaught from the last two days, but neverthless, I feel better. David comes in to find me sitting up.

"We're up, somewhat" he says.

"Sure, we could say that" I dryly reply.

He closes the door. "So, what did you eat that messed your system up so badly?"

"Could've been the pizza we ordered from Domino's. Could've been some popcorn we consumed. I'm not really sure."

"But are you feeling any better?"

"Oh, yes" I tell him.

"How've you been feeling, otherwise? Mentally, I mean."

I take a deep breath. "I feel half and half. I'm feeling good because I met Paul, and we're a thing now. But I still feel shitty."

"How so?"

"The other morning, when I was at Paul's, I woke up screaming. In tears. I had that nightmare about Jessica again."

"You have that a lot" he tells me.

"No shit" I reply, very curtly. I go back "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that."

"It's OK."

He rubs my shoulder.

"Do you think the dream is connected to anything? Like, maybe those..." he dances around the word "Pills could've affected your mentallity in some way?"

I almost freeze up. Does he somehow know that I used again? Does he suspect that's why I was so sick the last couple days? No, I'm just being paranoid.

"It could be, but it just keeps coming up."

"Maybe you need a medicine upgrade, or a change, overall. Something has got to help you not think about that anymore, at least as much."

"Maybe. I don't know." I pause. Do I wanna tell him what I have planned in... holy fuck, less than two weeks? Do I want help? I'm already getting enough help from Dr. Rhedding and the group sessions, so what other help could I get? And of what help would it be? Sure, I have Max and Paul, now, and while those two things have boosted my seratonin levels a bit, they aren't enough to save my mental state. I know, that sounds ridiculous but it's the honest truth, and I'm not here to lie to anyone.

"Let's look on the bright side: you're young, you're beautiful, you have a terrific personality and a wonderful heart. Let's not forget that you're gonna be 21 soon! That'll be fun."

"Sure it will."

"I'll buy us drinks, we'll go out, tear up the town. We don't have a COVID curfew anymore, so we can stay out as long as we want."

"We were already allowed to stay out as long as we wanted, before. We're adults, after all."

"I know, but you know how people are."

That's true.

We proceed to bullshit for the next hour. I tell him about the people in group and update him on a few of them. I tell him about Encino and how he sympathizes with David. David is very appreciative and inquires about meeting him. It feels nice to have a talk with David, but I don't remember much of it because I felt hollow while talking with him. I'm not sure why, though.

---

It's a nice, breezy, yet warm, day. I take this time to travel out to the front yard with Max, a book and a blanket. My book of choice right now is "American Psycho" by Brett Easton Ellis. It's a difficult book to handle, both content wise and reading wise. This is a deranged and sick book, but it's something I've always wanted to read. I love the movie, though.

I spend some time alternating between reading and petting Max. I brought his little bowls out in case I wanted to stay out longer than normal.He's happy and content.

People are constantly passing by and occasionally I get a wave or a friendly "hi". I always return the favor, no matter what.

As I'm about ready to wrap it up for the evening, I spy a couple walking across te street. They stop and stare my way. I'm not sure why, though. I'm not wearing anything revealing. Maybe they're just shocked to see a younger person actually outside instead of wilting away inside their house. They look at Max and I as I hold him. Their prolonged staring makes me a tad uncomfortable as they just stare. I decide to break the tension and wave to them, even saying "hi". They just stare. Ok... so glad they're talkative.

I head back inside and finish the day out with as little effort as I can. I watch TV, David and I rematch in "Mario Kart" (he loses, shocker) and then all four of us gather round and watch a movie. Some movie called "Let Him Go". Good movie, but my parents liked it more than David and I. It's a little slow for my liking.

I head to sleep, like normal. Around 11:00. Yeah, I would say that's normal, at least compared to what I'm used to. That couple from earlier is still lingering in my mind, but I'm sure it's nothing.