Behind Blue Eyes

18

March 18th

I did something unthinkable this morning. I told Paul that I got an addiction to prescription pills after Jessica died. While I'm not ashamed in telling him that, I am ashamed to admit that I still have a baggie of those pills still in my bottom nightstand drawer. I'm not sure why I have these, still; maybe I just kept them on me in case I wasn't ready to give them up.

I reached into that bottom drawer and pulled the baggie out. There has to be at least twenty pills still inside. They're a light blue color. I open the baggie and pull one of them out. I just wanna see if they still have the same effect on me that they did last year. I place it into my mouth and take a sip from a water bottle that I had next to me. The pill has no taste, but it still feels funny.

After thirty minutes, nothing happens. I feel exactly the same. Maybe they're duds. They've been sitting in there so long, they've lost their effect.

After another hour, I feel it, and I mean I fucking feel it. My body begins to cool off into a shutdown mode. My mind begins to wander and almost shut down as well. I lie in my bed for almost two hours in this comatose like state. My conscious becomes guilty and starts screaming at me.

You dumb bitch. Why the fuck would you do something like that? Are you fucking stupid? If you overdose, you'll be just like Jessica. How fitting? You'll get to join her in the afterlife. Serves you right.

---

I wake up after passing out from the pill, with a splitting headache. I wake up almost in a daze. After two minutes, I race to the bathroom and proceed to puke my guts out. I'm retching and puking so hard, my throat and ears begin to hurt.

Turns out, taking the pill fucked with my system so badly that it had to adjust to how long it's been absent from my body.

I spend from 11:00 to 3:31 in the morning hunched over the toilet. David, my mom and my dad all came in at one point to check on me. I lie and tell them all that it was food poisoning. If they found out I had taken one of those pills again, they would kill me.

At 4:00 in the morning, I crawl back into bed. Mom had put a trashcan into my room just in case I started puking again and couldn't make it to the bathroom. My body is succumbed to chills and now has a fever. This is terrible.

I soon pass back out, feeling hazy and disgusted with myself. I wish I was dead.