Behind Blue Eyes

9

March 9th

I feel unusally sad this morning. I wake up at 9:00 and proceed to just lie there tossing and turning. There's the familiar feeling of emptiness lingering around in my stomach. I couldn't really sleep all that well, last night. I had some odd dreams here and there, but nothing out of the ordinay. It's not trepidation for todays group. I don't really know what it is.

I spend the rest of the morning feeling this same sort of hollowness, and not even the thought of hopefully getting something to eat is able to wash it away.

I decide to go for a long car ride. I don't ask David if he wants to come along or not, for this session. I want to see how this goes on my own.

I find a set of back roads to ride along before I head to the building. These roads aren't usually used unless you have somewhere you wanna get to outside of town. It's filled with trees, fog and the occasional dirt road. I see very little activity on these roads, this morning, but that's not a surprise. It's only Tuesday.

---

"Sam! So happy to see you back here" Dr. Rhedding flashes his beaming smile at me. It feels nice, but not enough to raise me up out of this funk I'm in. Neverthless, I shake his hand and return a half-smile.

"It's nice to see you, too." I take my hoodie and throw it on. It's warm out, but I feel oddly cold. Encino notices this and decides to chime in.

"Cold?" he asks.

"A little. I don't know why, though."

"I get it. Feeling some type of way?"

"What do you mean?"

"You feel down?" He breaks down.

"Oh. Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Sometimes, when I'm in a funk, my body sometimes recoils on itself. It makes me feel like I'm sick, I have the chills or something."

He's right. "If you need anything from me, you lemme know, and if someone made you feel this way, point me their way."

"Thank you, but it's just this weird funk I'm in" I tell him.

"I get it." He pats my shoulder. "You're safe with us, here."

"Thank you."

The remaining members of the group start to trickle in. Paul is the last one in. He seems a bit down, but flashes me a nice smile when he sees me. I flash him one, too. He sits down directly next to me, which I don't mind at all.

"Hi" he says.

"Hi" I return.

"Seems like Paul took a liking to you" Dr Rhedding notices and smiles.

"Oh, please, she's a-a-a-alright" he smiles.

"Alright everyone, gather in, time to start."

Everyone starts to sit up, straighten their postures and pay attention up to the good doctor.

"First off, hello! Welcome and Good afternoon."

"Good afternoon, Dr. Rhedding" we all say.

"I hope everyone had a nice weekend. Would anyone like to share something they all did? Maybe kick off a convo?"

"I will" Chip speaks up. "I took the time to reorganize my CD collection." Chip's OCD causes him to constantly reorganize, which must suck, but has to feel satisfying once everything looks all nice and neat.

"How did that feel when all was said and done?" I ask him.

Chip's taken back at first. He isn't used to me yet. Matter of fact, none of them are, but it's a positive shock.

"It felt really nice. They all look so neat and crisp. I personally love it."

"That's really nice to hear, Chip" Dr. Rhedding tells him.

"I was able to spend some time outside" Michelle chimes in.

"The weather was unusually nice this weekend" he replies to her.

"I spent some time working on my drawings. None of them are finished, yet, but I feel confident that they'll turn out nice."

"That's lovely to hear."

Paul decides to speak up. "I m-m-met Samantha. She met me at the t-t-t-trail."

"That's awesome, Paul! Did you two have a nice time?"

"I know I did" he says, looking over at me.

"I did, too" I agree. "We were there for a couple hours. It's a really beautiful place."

"That's truly wonderful. Really. I'm happy for you two. Does anyone else wanna share something they did?"

The rest of the group shake their heads.

"Ah, well that's OK. Today I wanna talk to you guys about finding small tasks to complete on your own. Maybe it's reorganizing or organizing something in your house. Maybe it's writing down a page worth's of thoughts. Maybe it's taking a five mile walk or run. Why do you think I'm telling you guys to do this?"

Brittany leans forward. "To help us feel confident?"

"Exactly! You see, giving yourself small, tiny things to accomplish on your own will help boost your self-esteem and confidence. That way, if you have something bigger that you've been wanting to tackle, you can slowly work your way up to it."

The rest of what Dr. Rhedding is telling us sort of muffles out into the background. I look around the room and see eveyone's faces. A lot of them look happier than they were on Friday. My eyes fall onto Paul. He seems to notice that I'm staring, because he looks over at me out of the corner of his eye. His lips purse into a tiny smile. He caught me.

At the end of the session, Everyone gets at least fifteen minutes to talk amongst themselves. The group seems to split off into pairs. Paul turns to me. "I guess I'm s-s-stuck with you."

"Oh, poor you" I dryly joke.

"I was w-w-w-wondering if you wanted to hang out t-t-t-omorrow, if you want" he asks me. I can tell that him asking this one question is taking a lot of courage from him. I don't know if he had many friends to hang with outside of group. I smile at him.

"I would love to, Paul. Where would you like to go?"

"There's a minigolf plce a few m-m-minutes down the road from where that nature trail is. They got that, ice cream, go karting, a whole b-b-bunch of shit."

"Just text me the address and I'm there" I tell him.

Before we know it, the meeting ends. Paul heads out early because he has somethings he needed to do. I head out not long after. Dr. Rhedding tells me that he's super excited that I came back and hopes to see me again Friday. I tell him I will for sure be there.

As I leave the building, The funk that I was feeling going in has evaporated. I felt that what was said during the meeting could be of use. Maybe I don't have to keep the 31st date. Maybe that can go away. I'm not sure at this moment.

All I feel is one thing: happiness. Pure, uncut happiness. I'm very excited for tomorrow and spend the rest of the day playing out scenarios in my head. I hope they match or surpass expectations.