Behind Blue Eyes

7

March 7th

It's a few minutes before noon. I'm at the nature trail where Paul said to meet. I can see why it's his favorite place; it's so calming and beautiful to take in. With the weather getting nicer, recently, it might be a new getaway for me to come whenever I wanna read a book or listen to some music or just decompress from shit that's overwhelming me. I have a feeling this might actually be a spot I can hide away for awhile, if I ever need to. After all, there's a bunch of bushes and trees where I can remain hidden.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by someone tapping on my shoulder. I quickly turn around and see Paul. He smiles at me and gives me a small wave.

"Hi" he says. His voice is deeper than I would imagine, but there's still some of that shakiness and fear residing in it. "Can we walk?" He asks me.

"Of course!" I say. We start to walk along the trail. After a minute, he breaks the silence.

"So... I'm Paul."

"I gathered" I smile. "I'm Samantha. Sam for short."

"I know" he smiles.

"How come you didn't wanna talk or introduce yourself back at the meeting?" I ask him.

"Well, there's a b-b-b-bunch of r-r-reasons" he stutters. Oh, shit, that might be the reason. He throws his hands up. "That's mostly why."

"I'm sorry, Paul. I'm sure that's not easy for you."

"It wasn't a problem in t-t-t-t-the beginning. Three y-y-years ago, my sister and I..." he trails off.

After some time, I say "If you'd rather not talk about it, it's Ok; we can talk about other stuff."

"No, no, I want to." He takes a deep breath, then continues. "My sis-sister and I got into a c-c-car accident... she died, and I g-g-got this awesome stutter."

My face displays the obvious shock and sadness from what he just told me. Whatever I could imagine in my head would've never been that. "Paul, I am so so sorry."

"It's alright. It's b-been a few years since, so I've had t-t-time to recover." He gives me a sad smile. "I'm a dog person" he jokes, "what about you?"

I chuckle. "I have a kitten. I just got him, actually."

"How sweet" he smiles. He pauses "I get s-s-super flustered in front of new-newbies."

"I understand, I just thought you were super shy" I tell him.

"I am, that's w-w-why we're here, now."

"What was her name, if I can ask that?"

His face gets sadder, and I regret even thinking of asking him that. "June" he says, almost whispering it. He closes his eyes, almost holding back tears, before he composes himself and looks back at me. "What suddenly c-c-c-compelled you to come to group therapy?"

"It was something new to try and help me."

"And did you like your first sesh?"

"I did. It would've been better had you spoken up, but, it's all good" I slightly tease.

He smiles. "Had I d-d-done so, I would've taken up a h-h-h-half hour."

"Oh please" I laugh. "My brother would've taken longer than that once he gets into telling you about which person on "My 600 LB Live" pissed him off that day."

That gets a big, hearty laugh out of him. I think I might have broken through.

"My mom watches that s-s-show. That pisses her o-off, too!"

The rest of our walk along the trail continues this playful momentum. I, personally, lost track of time, but we were there for almost two hours, just talking and talking and talking. Anything and everything were on the table for discussion. I told him about growing up with my less than loving mom, David and I going through the system, us having the parents we do now, to me being an actress and how I had attempted suicide three times. He, in turn, tells me about how wonderful June was, growing up in the suburbs, his favorite books and movies, why he believes Tupac and Notorious B.I.G.'s murders will be solved in the next year or two, and how life has been dour since his sister died. Apparently, they were hit by a drunk driver, that night. He said he was at least grateful that she didn't feel any pain when she died, but how that sounded horrible and heartless. I assured him it wasn't. Around 2:00, he decides to part ways, but gives me his number so that I can call and text him freely. I do the same for him.

As I watch him walk away, I see a noticeable relief on his face. It seemed as if he was terribly worried about meeting me today, and I can't blame him. I felt the same way, but once we got to talking, all of those feelings were blown away. He's a bit happier, and for that, I feel happier.

I head up the little incline I walked down to come to this trail and pull out my phone. I decide to find his name and call him. After he looks back at me, and two rings, he picks up. "Miss me, already?"

"Just making sure I was given the right number" I smile.

"I wouldn't f-f-fuck you over like that" he smiles and hangs up, turning to walk away. I set my phone back into my pocket and continue trekking up the incline.

I text David and tell him I'm on my way home. He texts back and tells me to bring home chips. I ask him what happened to the ones we had at home and he tells me he ate them all. Jesus, Man.

I stop by a gas station and get him a bag of Ruffles. That's what we both like. I grab two, just in case. I spend the rest of the drive home with a smile on my face. I like Paul. Not in a romantic way, but something about him is very unique; it's not like anyone else I've ever met. Now that I've broken the barrier, maybe he'll speak up in Tuesday's meeting.