Behind Blue Eyes

28

March 28th

These days are usually quiet. The weekends have been this way since I got worse. I can't blame anyone; who the fuck would wanna hang out with me?

I'm tired of sitting around my bedroom doing nothing. It's become an everyday routine. I could do something with Paul, but would he want me around, is the real question, here. I open my phone and hit his name, prepared to call, but I pussy out and revert to texting him instead.

"You wanna hang?" is all I type. He replies instantly.

"I can't, today. Tomorrow, I'm free, though! :)"

I tell him that that's ok with me and we make plans for tomorrow.

---

David is giving me strange looks throughout the day. His voice has changed a bit, too; his tone carries with it a different incantation. Almost like he knows I'm different, but he can't confront me because he hates when I blow up.

I ignore him throughout the weekend. I take up the bathroom for, pretty much, the whole night. My mood has completely sunken this last week or so. I don't know how or why, but it's an emotional pain that I can't take anymore. It's gonna come to an end soon, that's all I gotta keep telling myself.

I've adorned my arm with more cuts. It looks scary, yet familiar. I remember doing this exact same routine when Jessica died. Maybe that's why everyone seems to be giving me weird vibes: They know I'm back to my old vices. OK, I wouldn't know if "vices" is the right word to use in this scenario.

I wish someone could crawl into my mind, just for one day, and understand the mental pain and turmoil I go through from the moment I wake up to the second I fall asleep. It's a nonstop, neverending nightmare.

And fuck all of these people who think that I'm just a sad sack of shit that can just "snap out of it." Like, how fucking ignorant and stupid is that to say? If I could, I would. Believe me: I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I'm crying at the thought of everything. When I end my life in a few days, and it is a "when" not an "if", I hope to leave behind some sort of impact. Negative? Positive? I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. It's a slippery slope to be sliding on now.

I remember the first time I hurt myself as I settle into bed for the night; it hurt really bad, but it felt, at least to me, that it let go of some of the emotional pain I had been feeling at the time.

I try to switch my thoughts over to Paul for tomorrow. I might go a bit further with him. Not "further", further, but take our relationship to the next level. I don't know, something needs to happen...

Something really needs to happen.

I'll be 21 in a few days.

Holy shit.

It's approaching way faster than I thought.

Am I prepared?

Am I ready?

Am I courageous, sort of, to carry this out?

...I don't know.