Behind Blue Eyes

32

April 1st

I ache all over. I feel like 500 extra pounds have been put onto my body. My eyes flutter open. I'm in a room that's different from mine. Did I do it? Did I actually die?

I turn my head to my right. I see a clock on the wall that reads 7:00. It's kind of dark outside, the sun setting. I don't remember it being this light out when I was outside. Maybe I am dead. This is some sort of alternate Heaven.

I look to my left and see a bunch of machines and wires. Is this my body and my soul is still trapped in it?

My eyes are fluctuating between being open and closed. A nurse comes in. After touching some of the buttons on one of the machines, she looks over at me and sees that I'm awake.

"Awake?" She asks. Only one word. Maybe it's just me that only hears the one word. I let out an audible groan.

She runs to the hall and says "Doctor, Doctor! She's awake!" She runs back over to the bed I'm laying in and looks over me. "Hi. Hi" she says in this oddly soothing voice. "Good morning. Well, evening. It's getting dark out there" she giggles softly.

I start to wake up a little bit more. I'm not dead. I'm really not dead. I'm alive, barely, but not dead.

The doctor rushes in to see if what the nurse said was true. It is and he flashes me a wide grin. He looks at the nurse. "This is good. Very good. Thank you for calling me down here. The family is in the waiting room, have them come down."

"Right away" she says and proceeds to leave the room. My family's here? How? Then it comes back to me. Paul. He was there when it all happened, whatever happened. He told them. He must have called the police and got me on an ambulance. I don't know. I lie there just waiting for the repercussions. They're probably gonna scold me, yell at me, asking how I could be so stupid for even thinking of doing something like this. I know it's coming, so I brace myself for it.

Trickling into the room, I guess to see if I really am awake, is my mom, my dad, David and Paul. They all look very concerned, very sad, but ultimately relieved.

They all rush over to the left of my bedside. "Hi. Hi, honey" my mom cries. "Hi."

"Hi" I say with a raspy voice.

"Honey, oh my God, we're so happy to see you alive and well."

They hug and kiss me. David smiles and looks over at them. "Can we have a minute alone?"

"Sure, we'll wait right outside. We love you, Sam." Mom says.

"Love you, too" I say.

They walk out. Paul starts to follow them but David stops him. "Can you... can you stay, please?" he asks. Paul nods and walks back over to where he was.

David kneels down by my side. "Hey."

"Hi."

"Are you OK?"

"I don't even know what the hell happened, or why I'm here."

"Well..." Paul starts "When you were running away from me, you r-r-r-ran out into the s-s-street. When I c-c-c-called for you, a car came around the c-c-c-corner and..."

"You were hit" David finishes.

"I was hit?"

They both nod.

"The person s-s-stopped, got out and c-c-c-called for help. You were rushed here w-w-w-w-within fif-fif-fifteen minutes."

Holy shit.

"How bad do I look?"

David stands and grabs a hand mirror off of one of the counters. "Actually, not that bad." I take the mirror and see my face. Scars and bruises are on my face; not covered but prominent.

"Oh fuck" I say. I hand the mirror back to him. David kneels back down.

"I found your note." My heart sinks just hearing that. I snap my eyes shut, fighting back tears that may come. "We know that you were hurting, we just couldn't figure out why. Even the note didn't really give us any answers. When we saw it, we headed into Mom's car and started roaming the streets, seeing if we could find you. Two minutes later, Paul calls us and let's us know what happened."

I start to snot up and beging full on sobbing.

"I'm sorry" I say. "And Paul, I-I-I-I Can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. For everything..." I cry off.

Paul comes over and carresses my cheek, kissing me on my forehead. "You have n-n-nothing to be sorry about."

The only thing I remember is falling asleep right after my mom and dad come back in.

---

Later that night, after my eyes flutter back open and mom and dad rejoice that I've woken up again, we have one of the most painful conversations we've had, yet. We talked all about why I wanted to kill myself and how awful they felt that I might've been hurt by something they did or said, which I reassured them was not the case. Then Mom pulls out a pamphlet. She opens it up and shows it to me. It's for a rehab facility. I say nothing at first. My mind is racing with a bunch of thoughts, none of them coherent or logical.

"It's only until the end of the month. After you're cleared from here, you can go there and they can help you get better."

"I look right at her. With a small smile, I tell her "OK. Let's do that."

They're just happy I'm alive. Maybe I am, too. Maybe not.