Behind Blue Eyes

23

March 23rd

Paul drives me to the meeting. To be fully honest, I can't remember a fucking thing that was said during today's session. I sat there as they all droned on. Droned maybe isn't the most polite word to use, especially with this group of people, but I'm sorry, yesterday really messed me up. Paul holds my hand the entire time, which gets us a few looks, but none of them matter. Not that they were condescending in anyway. Dr. Rhedding asks if I'm Ok and I just give him a simple "no." He asks if I wanna talk about it and, again, I reply "no".

After the session, Paul takes me home. He asks if I want him to spend the night again, but I decline. I can't have him over every night until I feel 100% again; that's unrealistic. He kisses me goodbye and heads for home.

I walk into the house looking pale and beaten down. David is the only one home, on the couch watching TV. He stops it and looks at me. He rises up and gives me a big, long hug.

"How're you doing?"

"How do you think?"

"I know it sucks, but it's something that's out of our control, Sammie."

"It's just unfair."

"I know, I know. You wanna watch some TV with me?"

"No." I head for the stairs. As I'm halfway up, he calls for me.

"Sammie."

I turn around.

"Don't let this mess with your head. You're doing so, so good, I don't want you to lose sight of that."

"How am I doing good?"

"What're you talking about?"

"Never mind." I continue to walk upstairs.

"Sam? Sam." I close my door before he says anything else.

I run over to my bed and flop down on it. I spend the next hour gazing at random spots in the room, anything I can do to get my mind off of it.

After a little while, I decide that I've had enough of this. I reach into the bottom drawer of my nightstand and pull out the bag of forbidden pills. I sit there in silence as if I'm waiting for them to get out and start dancing for me, but I just can't move.

I reach in and take one of them out. I reseal the baggie and place it back in my drawer, concealing it as best I can.

The pill looks lonely sitting by itself in my palm. My hand starts to shake. The pill looks like it's going through a mini-earthquake. After enough stalling, I pop it into my mouth and dry swallow it.

At first, I'm nervous as all hell; what if I get super sick like I did the last time this happened? If I do, I could get seriously hurt and get sent to the hospital. After an hour, I don't really feel anything, but this is how it happened, before.

At exactly one hour after I take it, I start seeing things. Not anything morbid, at least not at first. I see little butterflies fly across the room every few minutes.

Then I see little paint chips peeling off the wall. I think it's real, but it's fake. I'm scratching at the wall like I'm nuts. Well, I mean, technically I am, but that's beside the point.

I don't have too many more crazy visions, hallucinations if you will, for the rest of the day. I conk out from how sleepy and groggy the thing makes me after it wears off.

When I wake up two hours later, I feel like shit, mentally already and now physically. I can't believe I did it, again, but... I didn't get sick this time. Maybe, I could get re-hooked on this. Sure, everyone will be pissed once they eventually find out, and they will find out, but what do I care? At least Max isn't around anymore to judge me.

David opens my door. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight" I curtly reply.

"You feeling any better?"

"No."

He let's out a long sigh. "I hope you can hop back on this good streak, again. It'd be sad if you lost it." I say nothing in response to this. He says nothing as well and leaves my room, closing the door on his way out.

I hate being so short with him, but shit, there's only so much I can take. I fall asleep feeling angrier than I should, but that's the reality of the situation. I'm just sad and angry. That's that.