Behind Blue Eyes

17

March 17th

I'm at the party, again. It's the last one Jessica and I went to, together. The smoke, the drinks, it's all there, but I really don't wanna be there with it.

I feel so scared, so helpless. Petrified, even. I turn down a long hallway that has a door at the very end of it. I hear scratches, shallow breathing, even some whispers beckoning me to come forth.

I open the door, and that's when I see her. I can't handle seeing her like that. I begin to hyperventilate and try to scream for help, but it's to no avail.

I wake up in Paul's bed screaming at the top of my lungs, and I'm legit screaming until my throat is sore. If anyone heard me, they would think I was being attacked.

Paul hears me, though. He shoots up and races to me. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly and rocking me back and forth, shushing me gently until I'm able to calm down. I cry into his chest until I'm able to fully calm down. My throat is shot from screaming. I've had that nightmare countless times before, but this time hit the worst.

"Shhhhh. It's OK. You're safe" he tells me. I look at him, my eyes flooded with tears. He wipes them away with his thumbs and holds me tighter.

----

Later on, after I've had the time to calm down, he gives me a bottle of water and puts his arm around me.

"Are you f-f-feeling OK?"

"As OK as I can be."

"What was that all about?"

"You remember that story I wrote, and read aloud in group?"

He nods.

"I had that nightmare, again."

"Jessica?"

I nod.

"You OK with talking about it?" he asks.

I guess it was gonna have to come out at some time. "Jessica was a really good friend of mine. She came along during my freshman year of high school and stuck by me during all of the shit I was given during that time. She was amazing.

"One night, we both got invited to a party. Jessica had been fighting with a heroin addiction for the last year before this. She was fighting, truly she was, to get herself clean. But no matter how hard she tried, she just kept getting pulled back into it. It was horrific.

"That night, her and I were seperated for a few minutes. I found her upstairs in the bathoom of this house. Her face was completely pale. There was... vomit all over her chest and a needle in her arm.

"I called 911 right then and there, but she had already overdosed by that point. By the time the ambulance had been sent to grab her, she was dead."

Paul is silent; he can tell that this is upsetting for me to recount, so he tightens his grip to make me feel more safe.

"It fucked me up so badly, I wouldn't eat. I didn't eat for almost a month straight. I actually got addicted to prescription pills just to get through the day. I almost overdosed, myself. Almost every week, I have the same nightmare because it still haunts me."

"That's u-unders-s-standable. I'm so sorry, hon."

"It's OK. I just can't handle whenever I have it. This might've been the worst one yet, though."

"Do you wanna stay here for a little w-w-w-while before you head h-h-h-home?"

I nod. "Please?"

He nods back. "Lie down, I'll put some TV on for you."

I lie back down in his bed. I almost fall back asleep, but find it hard to do so.

After a few hours, Paul drives me back home. He parks on the street by my house. He leans over and rubs my shoulder; I had almost dozed off on the way back home.

"We're here" he tells me. I get out of the car with my bag. He gets out and walks me to the door.

"I had an awesome time" I tell him.

"I did too" he smiles.

"Call me later?" I ask him.

"Can't I call you, s-s-s-sooner?" he smiles.

"You can call me anytime" I tell him.

We spend the next few seconds locking eyes with each other. He leans in for a hug. I lean in too, but after I pull away from the hug, I look at him and give him a soft kiss on his lips. I pull away. He wasn't expecting that, and I almost feel ashamed.

"I'm sorry, that was-"

"Nice" he says. "It was nice."

I smile. "You didn't hate that?"

"Why would I?" He gives me a peck on the cheek, then walks back to his car.

As I turn back to walk into my house, he calls out: "Hey."

I turn around. "What?"

"I just wanna take another look at you." He smiles, then walks back to his car, getting into it and starting it up. He waves goodbye to me as he pulls away, leaving me with love and more butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

I think no one's home when I initially walk in, until David pops out.

"Hi" I smile.

He smirks at me and taps my shoulder. "I saw that. I'm proud of you." He traipses away. Dammnit; he thinks he's funny.