Behind Blue Eyes

21

March 21st

I wake up and see three texts from Paul. One of them tells me he couldn't sleep, but wanted to tell me good morning, regardless. The second being a smiley face and the third apologizing for double, now triple texting me. I briefly smile. I text him back with a simple 'good morning' with the appropriate smiley face back.

Max is awake and ready to start the day. I'm happy about that. Sorry to say, I'm not planning on doing anything, today.

I spend most of the morning and early afternoon in bed. At 2:00, I get this weird craving for a PB & J sandwich. I go down and proceed to make myself two of them. They taste so simple, yet hit the spot. A nice glass of cold milk tops it all off.

I spend the rest of the day lying around. The thoughts of my impending birthday are trapping my mind. Am I really gonna do what I'm thinking of doing? These questioning thoughts are all becoming redundant.

But these are things I have to think about before I even think anout going through with it. Who gets all of my stuff when I leave? Maybe split it between Paul and David. I'd let David keep Max, but that's really it... I don't have much stuff to talk about or speak for.

So that's my will. But, do I leave a note? I have to, right? That'd be a little fucked up if they just find me dead without any explanation. I have to take the next week or so to make sure I make something coherent and evident that this is something that needed to be done.

Needed? There's a fine line between want and need. Do I need to do this, or have I simply had enough and want to end it? A little bit of both. I don't feel, at least at this very moment, like I've lived a full life, but what am I really gonna be remembered for? "Batman: The Musical"? Gimme a break.

I have a lot of mulling over to do. I have a pet now, and a sort of boyfriend. Am I really willing to throw it all away? In the end, it's my choice and they have to accept it.

I end the night all sad from everything I've been thinking about. I hold Max in my arms while the TV drones on.

My mind floats back to the couple I saw, yesterday. That still freaks me out a little. Did I remind them of someone that died in their family? Did they think I was that dead family member, walking the streets? I have no clue, but it's still weird.

I try to conk out at 11:30, but my mind will not stop racing. Thoughts of everything that's happened in the last three weeks or so, both positive and negative, are just flooding me. Paul is the last face I see before my mind shuts down for the night. He'd be crushed if he even found out what I was planning.