Behind Blue Eyes

34

March 31st

It's been one year since my attempt at suicide. It's also my 22nd birthday, today. Time flies when you're recovering.

I start the day with a much different outlook than I did last year. I instantly get out of bed instead of lumbering and waiting around for something exciting to happen. In my PJ's, I head out of my room and head for the kitchen.

This time, instead of hiding in various places, just hiding and waiting for me to come out so they can pop out and scare the shit out of me, Mom, Dad, David and Paul are all standing in he kitchen, with party hats and a cake that has the number 22 on it.

"Happy birthday!" they all shout.

"Good morning!" I smile.

They all run over and hug me.

"Happy Birthday, babe" Paul tells me.

"Thank you" I smile. He kisses me and proceeds to light the candles on my cake.

This time, we actually have a little party for myself. They invited over all of the members of our group. Shortly after I got home from Rehab, last year, I slowly went back into group. They rejoiced and welcomed me back in with open arms.

Encino and David spend a lot of the party talking with each other. I don't think they'll be much more than friends, but who knows? I think they'd be cute together, but that's just me.

They all shoot the shit for the most part. At one point, I get up and head out to the garage. After opening up the door, I see Gene and Ilene. They're walking along the sidewalk and actually stop when they see me. I've kept in touch with them since last summer. They're really nice and kind-hearted people, and it would be senseless and a shame to remain unreasonably angry with them. In their hands is Max. They've kept his name that I gave him, but he's gotten to be a bigger boy. Still handsome, though.

"Well, hello!" they both say. "Happy brithday, dear" Gene says.

"Thank you" I smile.

Max looks at me and is instantly reminded of me. He remembers and it melts my heart. "Hi Bubs!" I yell.

I feverishly pet him. The couple spend a minute or so talking with me before they have to go, but I love every second of it.

I've been keeping up appearnaces, so to speak. Rachel has taken me to more mxers and parties to help broaden my horizons. I've made a few more friends in the time following that, but none more so than my group friends.

I still visit that CBD store every other weekend. The woman and her dog are the best part of my weekend, sometimes.

Paul and I have... well, you know. He was finally ready enough to do so, this time without any pressure form me. I don't kiss and tell, but I would for sure continue doing it all the time if I could.

I head back inside to where the party is still ongoing. As I look out at their smiling faces, I smile myself. I'm at a good place in life, right now.

I have Paul. I have my family. I have everything I need and could want. Possibly more. Paul's been talking about adopting a puppy. I would love to have Max back, but I'm open to the thought of having a dog.

If I can save somebody, just anyone out there by telling my story, then that's fine by me. Is it a cautionary tale? You could describe it as such. I like to think that my story is more human than other stories like this that are out there. I lived and almost died through this. I was lucky enough to not die after the car struck me. Others, not so much. But I promise to help if I ever see or hear any signs out there.

I've gotten a lot of audition requests since I've recovered. I've sent a few in and even got some callbacks, but I'll be more proactive once I feel ready enough.

Paul comes over. "You having fun?"

"Most definitely. 100%" I say.

He wraps his arms around me fom behind and kisses the top of my head.

"H-h-happy birthday."

"Thanks babe, but 23 will be better" I smirk.

He looks at me and says "I hope so."

I look back out at everyone. They're all happy that I'm feeling happy. I love this very moment. Sure, I'll still have my depression and anxiety and all that, but I'll try not to dwell on it as much in the past. I actually have had very few suicidal thoughts in the last year. That's very uplifting, but it could also be some new medicine that's been working, finally. It only took a few tries, but we seemed to have found something that stuck, and that's fine by me.

Now, to see what's next in store for me.