The sad crow

The sad crow-Chapter 12

Trigger warning: Self-harm, depression, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, mental dissorders, abuse

I woke up in the morning of a monday. I was the first one awake, Kageyama and Kenma, who stayed over, were still sleeping. The sun was shining and I got 2 hours of sleep like usual. I decided to not wake them up yet and stood up to go to the bathroom and wash up. I brushed my teeth and used a comb to brush my messy bed hair. I hated looking in the mirror, I looked pathetic and ugly, I was pale and so skinny and weak. I had a quick glance at my arm, the scars from my past self harm were visible. I thought about it but I didn't always think about hurting myself, besides I knew that Kageyama and the others would notice and I really didn't want to go to a damn hospital again so soon. I missed the feeling of relief, control and satisfaction I got from cutting myself.. Should I do it again? I couldn't continue my thinking for long because Kageyama started banging on the bathroom door "Hinata? Are you finished? I need to get ready too. You good?". He was always asking so much but I calmly answered "Yeah yeah I'm fine and I'm finished, you can get in". I opened the door and let him in. As he closed the bathroom door I heard him quickly say "Get dressed and go downstairs, Kenma will wash up after me and we'll join you later, I'm sure my mum left breakfast on the table so eat and put out the medication on the table, you can take it when I'll come". Since I skipped my medication a couple of times he only let me take it when he watched. I let out a mixture of a jawn and a sign and went to our room. I opened the door and saw Kenma sitting on a chair already playing a video game. I thought he didn't see me coming in but he started a conversation "Good morning. How are you feeling today?" I started to change my clothes and answered "Like always". Kenma gave me a little glance "You know if there is something bothering you, you can tell me anything". There wasn't really anything but should I tell him that I thought about self harming again? But I don't want to go to a hospital again and I also don't want him or the others to worry.. Before I realized it I was standing in the room not doing anything, lost in my endless mind. "Uhm Shoyo? Hello? Is there something you wanna talk about?" he asked. I snapped out of my thinking "No! I mean yes? I don't know.. I'm fine!" I grabbed my phone and everything else I needed for school and ran downstairs. I sat down at the table with breakfast on it. I don't like eating, I think it's useless just like I am, it won't do anything, it won't give me energy nor will it make me feel better, for me it has no purpose. Kageyama joined me, "Eat, I know you probably don't enjoy it but it's important. I'm gonna go grab your meds and after you eat and take them we'll do your arm check."
I didn't want to but I ate a toast with very little jam on it and drank some water and took my medication. Kageyama who was eating looked at me with a smile "Great, good job! Now please roll up your sleeves and show me your arms". I knew that protesting won't do anything so I rolled up my sleeves and showed him. He looked me in the eyes and patted my head. Kenma always takes longer to get ready but already joined us, he didn't eat a lot and was just playing games on his phone. I wonder if he still thinks about the situation earlier. I really hate my life with all these pills and checks and all these worried eyes around me, it makes me feel as if I'm defected, as if I can't do anything anymore. Coach Ukai didn't even let me play anymore and we lost game after game. All I did was watch and instead of volleyball and the feeling of amazing spikes I just got my whole team pitying me. Thinking about all this makes me wanna cry and cut and die. I truly lost everything. Before my eyes could fill with tears Kageyama interrupted "Now let's go to school, Hinata we have morning practice today so let's get going or we'll be late".