The sad crow

The sad crow-Chapter 5

Trigger warning: Self-harm, depression, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, mental dissorders, abuse

I was soon in my classroom and the lesson stardet. I couldn't concentrate at all and slept my way through my day. After all classes were done I slowly started walking towards the gym, on the way there I noticed Tsuki, he was always very rude to me and said that I couldn't do anything, he was right but it still hurt me a little. He saw me coming and walked up to me to go with me. I stared at him a little, but he didn't say anything. I knew that Tsuki always notice the little details so I'd have to be careful. We were almost at the gym when he sundely raised his voice to say something "Look, I dont really care how you feel, but I know that the others worry about you, you should at least talk to them and even if I dont care, you can even tell me.. you idiot.."

I was really surprised to what he said. I mean I must look even worst than I thought  that even Tsukishima who normaly never talks to me realized that something was up. I wanted to say something but I just could't, I didn't wanted to lie again, I didn't wanted to embaress myseld again. I just silently walked beside the tall teen until we were at the location we had to be. We went to the changing room and I saw that everyone else already was changing. I honestly wasn't to sure if my body was strong enough to play volleyball. Everyone welcomed us and Sugawara told me to change into sport clothes. Oh no.. What should I do? I was wearing a long sleeve shirt at the time so I first changed my into my shorts. I rememberd that I also have the marks from that and not only my cuts. It would be imposible to wear a t'shirt so I just got out with what I already had on me. Everyone got out and Ennoshita turned to me and stared to talk "Hinata? Aren't you gonna get hot in the shirt? You could easly overheat" I looked at him and started to think of a good exuse "Oh no, it's ok, I'm actully pretty cold you know.. But thanks for worring".

That was a really bad lie, I was hot and I knew that if I play like this is will be bad but I don't have a choice. He looked away from me and we all began to practice. I was so tired, I wondert if my body could take it or if I would just faint in the middle of a jump or something. Sweat was dripping of me and I was sure the others saw it too. It was so hot but I just didn't have a choice, I couldn't tell'em, I don't want them to hate me.. What if they would me kick me off the team, I was so frustrated. My breathing was heavy and I barely had any energy. Of course I saw how concernd everone was, they all stared a little and thought I didn't saw it. I knew that I was stupid but not blind. Nobody said anything at first but after some time Kageyama looked me in the eyes "You know, we can clearly see that your hot.. Why dont you just change into a t-shirt? If you overheat you couldn't play you know? It's not a big deal just change.." I stared him deadly in his eyes, ready to anwser "What do you know? I'm telling you that I'm cold! Why do you even care? Just toss to me alright?"

"No" the setter said "You want play if you don't change". I was so angry! Of course he won't understand why I could never do that. Before I could say anything Nishinoya came in "Yeah shoyo! It's really not a big deal! Listen to Kageyama!" Tanaka just nodded from behind and agreed to the libero. Every team member was staring at me again! I hate it! I hate all these eyes, all this pity! I knew If I would just stand there Daichi, Suga and the others would have said something to me too. I was full of anger and sadness, in that moment my biggest wish was to just be alone.. To be alone with that beautifull blate that made everthing better. I wanted to feel control again, I didn't care at what cost, I just wanted to feel that happy feeling again. I didn't have any blates on me and that really annoyed me in that moment. I didn't wanted to hear what they all had to say and began to talk myself "You now what you idiot? I'm going to the bathroom! Alone!"