Lavender

Chapter 36

i thought i was okay. i thought i was excited about being back into a place i can rely on being safe for me...... but i can't shake the fact that i don't feel safe, and theirs a guilt eating away at me. Jay and the Twins are safe. and Holly is happy with his own life. but the friends i made at the academy......the worry and guilt that i caused this-

I shouldn't be so worried. i've been assured many, many times that me, and the others are safe and those who fight are able to fight and know what their doing. i've been asured that we are on the winning team and their is no way it's gonna fail....

i push myself to sit up. needing to move, i can't just be laying in the dark with these thoughts rushing around in my head. i need comfort. and i know exactly where to get it from. 

"Holly?" i whisper call. peeking around the door to see him move, "Holly?" i call a bit louder, tears threatening to break. i have my bear in my hand. my childhood one, needing to just go back to times when shit was simple. when beatings were consistant and i knew they were coming, more importantly, When they are coming.

"master Mikky, why aren't you resting?" he asks, sitting up. i hug my bear to my chest. 

"i'm sorry, Holly, i can't sleep, this whole thing is eating me alive and i don't quite know how i'm supposed to cope with all of this rubi-" 

"baby, what are you doing-" i hear a womans voice from the bed turn around. great.....i woke him up from sleeping comfortably with his mate. 

"go back to sleep sweety, i'm just getting some water." he says before getting up, but i push him back down to the bed. 

"i-i'm sorry, please go back to sleep." i quickly say. 

"Milky-" he reaches for me but i shut the door. how can i be this insentitive?!! i take a deep breath and try my best to push down my tears before i walk in a different direction. making my way to the kitchen for a glass of water. i down the glass as if it has my answers and the more i drink, the more answers. but it's not. i'm just drinking plane, empty water. 

i put the glass back in the sink and just lean, looking down into the silver sink with my thoughts running crazy. i pick up my bear and find myself a small, claustraphobic area. only.....i want comfort from this place so i'm going to make it comfortable. 

i put my bear down and curl up on it. needing this.....just......no more pack wars. no more people suffering......no more pain. please. 

"what is he doing in there?" i hear muffled voices from the other side of the door. 

"i don't know, but he was very upset last night but walked out before explaining." i hear Holly say. i turn my face and snuggle deeper into my soft....no, slughtly hard bare. i open my eyes and find Lozy here, holding me close while using my bare for comfort. 

"morning." he whispers. and i sigh. resting my head and just....having this silence. 

"i don't wanna do this." i whisper. trying to remain strong. he holds me tighter, closer, "people are going to get hurt because of me and i can't do anything about it." i whimper before sobs break out, "i don't want people to get hurt, i just want it to end, please make it stop, just please." he pulls me tighter to him, "why did i have to get pregnant Now, when i could of been helping, i could of helped win this, i could of done something, but because i'm pregnant i can't do shit other then wait, wait and more fucking waiting!" I cry, he holds me close, just letting me get everything out, regardless of how much i might be upsetting him with my words, "I'm sorry, i really love you and these pups and the academy and everything, but i just wish i could go back to when i knew what was going to happen. when things were predictable, and i understood this, but i just can't, Lorenzo, i can't cope with this stupid guilt over something that hasn't even happened yet!" i sob into his chest. shaking my head, "you were the best thing that happened to me, Lozie, but once you were here, you messed everything up, now shits no longer predictable and i can't hate it, because i love you too much to, i just hate that  i know people are gonna get hurt and i can't do anything, nothing at all!" I snap. he lets out a breath, as if telling himself that my words might  of been messy, but the meaning was honest. "i have the skills to fight, and i can't use them......i feel like a defencless weapon." i huff, lifting and dropping my head to Lozies chest. "i need you to tell me that things aren't okay, tell me that even with my help, theirs nothing we can do to help this and fighting will just mean more people will die-" i croak out through tears, raining heavily from my eyes.