One Day At A Time

|Chapter 33|

Demi

Getting out of the car, I grab my things from the back seat and head to the front door. I unlock the door and find myself going straight to the room. I'm exhausted. As soon as I close my eyes to take a nap, however, my phone begins to ring. Sighing, I pick it up only to see that it's Karter.

"Hey baby what's up?"

"Can I go with Kayden? They going get Chay from the airport."

"She out of school already?"

"Well not for good, but she supposed to be on winter break now. I think she done done with school in May."

"Yeah that's fine. You got your sister?"

"Yeah she right here."

"Alright I'm about to be on my way to get her you can go head."

"You sure? I can ask Auntie Cha to drop her off."

"It's cool. I need to get up and do something anyway."

"Okay." She says before hanging up.

Running my hands down my face as I yawn, I lie there for a second, not looking at anything in particular, before looking over at the spot where Juan used to lay. I've been feeling so empty since he hasn't been here with us. Kinda the feeling like before, where I didn't know what to do when the kids were at school and he wasn't home from work yet, except this time its different because I know he won't ever come back home anymore. I feel so empty without him. I've been trying to stay strong for the girls for so long that I feel like I can't even cry when I have to now. Like I still feel numb and don't have the energy to do anything. I haven't even been to work as often as I used to go. I just can't wait until this feeling dies down so that I can finally let go of these bottled up feelings.

I know letting everything out would be best, and thinking of the good memories would be even better, but for some reason I just can't do that. And not only because I physically can't, but because literally every time I think about him, I see his helpless body on the ground. Shaking. Struggling to get air into his airways as his body is slowly but surely gaining coldness. His blood continuously oozing out of his body. I just can't think about that. Ever. I hate seeing that image of him, and as much as I'd admit thinking of this could be a way to grieve and let everything out, it's just all too much.

Finally getting the strength to get up, I grab my things and head to the car. When I get to the school, of course I have to wait in the carpool line because school is letting out, but it also wasn't that bad since I'm technically a bit late getting to the school. As bad as I feel right now, as soon as Justyce steps into the car and the car fills with her sweet innocent laughs, it's like I did a whole switch. The switch back to the charade I've been putting on for the kids for a while now.

"Hey mommy." She smiles as she leans up to get closer to my face.

"Hi babe." I turn a bit so that she can kiss my cheek.

"Can I sit in the front? Karter not here today because she going with Auntie Cha." She asks as I pull off from her school.

"I know.. but no its the law for you to sit in the back seat."

"But mommyyyy..." She pouts. "You're my mommy not the police."

"You right, and as your mommy I'm telling you no."