My Diary

October 7th, 2025

Dear Diary,

I have been going through a lot lately and I am tired. I am just so tired and drained.

On top of my still unknown abdominal pain, I now have severe back pain. I feel like I am 80 years old with my back pain. It's like my spine is compressing and the muscles are acting weird in response. I have dealt with back pain before but this is different.

I have severe idiopathic scoliosis, I got diagnosed with it when I was 11. I had back pain around then until I got a back brace to deal with it. I was supposed to have surgery when I was 16 but I put it off and refuse to go through with it. I would have rods from the middle of my neck to my tailbone. I like being able to move my back.

I am on a muscle relaxer because my doctor doesn't want to put me on pain meds. I have a history of drug usage but I have been clean since I was 17. The muscle relaxer isn't helping me much.

I almost cried on Sunday because I hate being this way. My boyfriend just hugged me and let me know that everything is okay and will get better. I still feel the need to cry but I feel like I have run out of tears after everything I have gone through.

I am trying my best to stay strong and positive but I don't think I am doing all that well at it. My cat Koa hasn't left my side in weeks. She is my ESA and reacts to strong emotions. I wake up to her snuggling as close as possible to me every day and she snuggles me as much as possible when I am awake. I usually have to move her off of me when I have to get up to do things.

I have another tattoo appointment for Thursday. I am adding more to my left arm. It's going to be a sleeve when I am done with it. It's to cover up scars from my past. My tattoo artist has agreed to not retire until it's done. He had plans of retiring in about 5 to 6 years but he won't until my sleeve is done. He is the only person I want to do it. He is awesome and understanding. L

My mom and I are getting along really well which is a miracle. Our relationship used to be transactional, she did my depo shot and I would help her get food every so often. It's not like that. I actually enjoy being around her.

I have to go to my college soon so I can set up my spring schedule. I'll be doing online classes until I figure out how to manage my appointments and college.

I have to see an orthopedic doctor, a GI specialist, and a physical therapist. I might have to see a chiropractor and someone to do steroid injections in my back. The last two are undetermined for now. My primary doctor is going to push back on any surgery recommendations because she knows that I don't want it.

I also have to go in for a lot of testing. I have to get my ring that I wear on my left middle finger cut off though. For some of the testing, I have to remove all jewelry. I haven't taken the ring off since I got it in 2022. It's stuck on my finger and I have tried everything that I could think of to take it off. It saddens me to have to get it cut off. I am going to have it resized so I will be able to take it off if I ever need to in the future.

I am honestly surprised that anyone is still reading this. When I say this I mean this diary. I started it years ago with zero expectations of anyone ever reading this but people are reading this after all these years. I started this out of boredom and I was unable to keep a diary without my family reading it. They never checked my phone or the apps on my phone to see if I had a diary. I know that no one who knows me reads this so I feel comfortable sharing it.

I also hope that this can give people comfort in knowing that they aren't alone. That good things can happen. That it's okay to ask for help. That... That not everyone's life is perfect and that it is okay.

Sincerely,
Luna-Michael