Loki, my darling

XXIX

(Cass' POV)

I had no idea anymore for how long I had been in this lab, there were no windows that would allow me to count the days, and even if there would have been I was not sure I had been conscious on all days. They had been running all kinds of tests on me since the day I was brought in, which now felt like it was years ago. They had taken a lot of things to test - some of my hair, many blood samples, skin tissue, saliva, etc; I had been attached to more machines than I thought was possible; I had also been injected with different things. I had felt sick every time I woke up for the whole time I had been here, had thrown up a lot, I was in constant pain, but every time I reminded myself that with that I kept Loki safe it still felt worth it.

Here I was again, had gone straight to my little toilet after waking up, I felt so sick and had to vomit. I then went back to the bed, feeling dizzy as I did most of the time, and tried to fall back asleep until they'd start with the tests again. But it barely took a minute and another doctorlike man came to my room, some workers with different machinery after him. I sighed exhaustedly, but wasn't going to resist. After all, if I did there would be a chance of them going after Loki and that was something I definitely did not want.

I just sat there as they attached needles to my arms and some machinery to both my chest and my head. They took more of my blood and replaced it with some weird-looking liquids, but at this point, I didn't even care. I knew the stone was going to protect me from the stuff that could compromise my mind and make me "unworthy" while the physically harmful things were most likely also not that bad to a god as they were to a mortal. Most likely. And there was nothing I could do about any of this anyway. I felt pretty numb as I had blocked out my emotions, focusing my energy on missing Loki and the life we briefly had would have no outcome so why would I exhaust myself further with that..? That would only lead to a panic attack or two and I had already had enough of those in here. More than enough, actually.

I sat there, clenching my teeth and trying to hide being in pain, and watched the roomful of people working behind the machines and on my body. My body no longer belonged to me it seemed. I felt tears running down my cheeks, it was again just a bit too painful, but their only reaction to seeing that I was hurting, was to quickly place the metal gloves back onto my hands so that "I wouldn't accidentally do any harm because of my pain".

When they took away most of the machines it felt like it had been a decade since I woke up. I wanted food, I wanted to rest, I wanted Loki. But even the first two would be more than enough when staying away from me is what keeps him safe. I laid with my eyes closed as I heard people and machines leaving the room one by one, until it fell somewhat silent again. I opened my eyes and looked around, the room was empty again, as if nothing had happened, except I was tortured for a whole day, that happened.

I was just about to fall asleep when the door opened and another man stepped in, but he seemed a bit different. "We need a sample of your oxytocin hormone," he explained, but I had no idea what that even was. "Just take your needles and take it, it's not like you can't," I sighed, but the next thing he said, with a smirk on his face, caused me horripilation. "It's the hormone a body produces during an orgasm, you need to produce it first," no, no, no that was out of the question. I crossed my legs, the only one who was allowed to get near that part of me was Loki. I shook my head, "I am NOT letting you have sex with me," I stated, trying to not show how scared I was, but he didn't seem to care about what I did or didn't want as he was already slipping down his pants. It was only now that I realized the previous workers had left the gloves onto my hands and had also handcuffed both of my arms onto the bed frame. They had known. They had known what the next "test" was and that I would want to resist that one. I couldn't believe it, there was nothing I could do, but I kept my legs crossed, shook my head, and kept repeating "no" as tears streamed down my face. The guy got a condom on and then proceeded to fight with my legs, which turned out to still have enough strength to give him quite a few hits. But in the end, it was no use, and soon my legs were held apart and I had nothing protecting me as he had cut not just my underpants but also my hospital gown off with a knife, also cutting into my skin here and there as I was not giving up fighting. I closed my eyes, I didn't want to see it happen, I wished I could just turn off my feelings as well so that I wouldn't feel it, but I couldn't.

Then suddenly, right before anything else could happen, I heard the door burst open. Maybe someone had come to help him, I didn't dare to open my eyes. I couldn't focus anymore as I felt a panic attack coming to wash over me. "Step away from her, NOW!" a voice that felt like home, yelled. I could've sworn that was Loki's voice, but there was no way he could be here. I felt my legs being let go and immediately pulled my knees against my chest. My eyes were still closed, but tears were still happening and I was unable to breathe. The attack had arrived. I could feel my hands being detached from the cuffs and gloves and wrapped them around my legs, swinging myself slightly back and forth. "I need you to do something for me, Cass," the same voice said. I wasn't sure if it was in my head or not, but I couldn't not trust that voice, I had once told that voice I would trust his every word and I had meant it, "I need you to breathe in when I count to three and then hold your breath until I tell you to breath out, okay?" "Okay," I squeaked, not sure if any of it even made it out of my mouth. "One..., two..., three.., now breathe in," and so I did, "one.., two.., three.., now let it out," and I focused on the air leaving my lungs. "Perfect, my love, now one more time," the voice said and so I listened.