Loki, my darling

VII

When I finally made it to my room, it was almost time for sunrise and most of the alcohol had worn off. I slipped out of the jumpsuit and into a long sleepwear dress (with long sleeves). I felt the dark thoughts washing over me again and had tears falling down my face. I tried to sit down next to the window, to calm myself and watch the sunrise, but with still being a little drunk and not having eaten anything this whole day I ended up falling and knocking over a chair I hardly ever used. "Nobody probably heard, they're all asleep, and don't probably really care enough anyway," I told myself as new tears kept being formed in my eyes, but then there was a knock on the door. I started quickly wiping away my tears, only to realize I still had makeup on and my dark eye-makeup would show my crying even without the tears. Before I could say or do anything, Loki walked in. "Are you okay?" he asked "I heard this bang from your room and thought I'd come to check on you.." he started explaining, but as soon as he saw I was on the floor crying he shut his mouth. "I guess you're not really okay, are you?" he asked softly while sitting down next to me. I shook my head, there was no going back now. I guess Thor would be proud, you know, for me doing as he had asked and trusting Loki and stuff. "Wanna talk about it?" he asked. I shook my head, "I wouldn't know where to start, it's not new to me, I've been dealing with it for years.." "It's alright, I'll just be here with you, I know what the nights can be like when your mind has some darkness in it" "You do?" "Yeah.." he said, "I've been in that cell you grew up in too, you know," "I didn't know, well, actually all I know about you is that you were the little boy and then you are Thor's brother, adopted according to you, and that you've done some bad stuff that has led the Avengers to not trusting you," "Well, those are the basics, yes" he sighed "I am the son of the Frost Giants' king, you know, the one Asgard was in war with, Odin picked me up after a battle and took me in so that I could "bring peace" or something one day. He didn't tell me about my past though, so when I found out I was one of the creatures they had as monsters in kids' stories, it destroyed me and I ended up taking out some of my emotions on harmless, innocent people here on Earth. That's why they don't trust me. I have caused harm to many people, I seem to have this feeling that I will always end up abandoned and alone so I have to make sure I make a safe position for myself. I try to fight that part of me now," I looked at him in awe. We were much more similar than I thought. "Well, if you ever need someone to help you with that, I'm always ready to do my best as both listener and talker, though I must warn you, I have no psychology diploma," I told him, already in a better mood. He smiled at me and thanked me, then wrapped his arm around me to pull me into a side-hug. I flinched. Shit. The wounds on my arm, that he pulled against him, still hurt. "What is it?" he asked worriedly, "Oh, nothing, I'm just still not used to letting people touch me and stuff, you know," I tried to brush it off while stroking my now again sore arm, but he seemed to have an idea of what was going on already. "Show me your arm, Cass," he asked, still gently "What? Why?" I asked, still trying to brush it off, knowing there's almost no chance that'll happen now. "Just do it," he said. I pulled up the sleeve of my other arm, showing the scarless skin. "No, the other one," "No," "I'm pretty sure I already know what's down there, you might as well show me," fair enough, I thought and rolled up the sleeve, exposing the scars of old cuts and the still-healing wounds of the new ones. I avoided looking at him and fell silent. He put a hand on my cheek and turned me to face him, in a similar way to how I had done during the flirting dare, except without the flirtiness of it, "It's okay, I don't think any less of you because of them, I just want to help you, so let's get them cleaned up, okay?" And just like that he managed to brush away almost half the bad thoughts dancing in my head. He didn't hate me, he didn't hate me because of them! "Really? You don't hate me because of them" "No! Why would I? These," he brushed his finger down my arm, over the cuts, making me flinch again, "sorry,... these are basically battle scars. And that's a battle with yourself, which is a lot harder than any other battle, because you can't win by just killing off the enemy, nor can you lock them away, you have to convince them to come over to your side. I think you are really brave and really strong." I smiled. I had never thought of it like that. "Now come," he said "let's get those cleaned up, okay?" and so we went to my bathroom where while I was taking off my makeup, he cleaned the wounds and wrapped my arm. It felt nice to have someone take care of me like that, for someone to now know all of my secrets and help me carry the weight of them. "There," he said once he had finished, "all better now" and wrapped my sleeve back down. "One more thing though, Cass," he said in a serious but still gentle voice, "next time you wanna, you know, do that," he pointed at my arm, "just come knock on my door instead. I don't care if it's 3 am, I want to help you get through that war with as few casualties as possible. I can help you, and you won't be a burden or annoying or anything like that, I promise," he looked me dead in the eyes. How did he know exactly what my thoughts were telling me? "How do you know exactly what I was going to think, about being a burden and stuff?" I decided to ask, to make sure he wasn't a mind-reader or something like that. "Because I've been through that," he replied and rolled up his sleeve, baring old cut scars all over his forearm. There were no new ones though, so maybe he could really help get me through this too. I, surprising him with it, wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug. "Thank you," I said. "You are welcome. Now let's get you to bed for at least a few hours." And so I found myself wrapped in my blanket just when the sun was about to rise. I was indeed exhausted so I am almost convinced I fell asleep before Loki could even leave my room, but I didn't care. I now trusted him more than I had ever trusted anyone. I just had to hope that wouldn't backfire.

I woke up just a few hours later, nightmares from the past had still found their way to my head. I sat up, with the blanket still pulled to my chest, and hugged my knees, shaking myself back and forth to calm my mind. I had decided to try to fight those dreams and those thoughts more as I now knew that fighting them could eventually actually change something. So, instead of sitting there and thinking about it all I got up and got dressed, went downstairs, and finally got something to eat.