Late Night Thoughts

Normal

Life feels meaningless. Everything I do, everyone I talk to, everywhere I go, I feel like my brain is on auto pilot. It's hard for me to truly feel emotion or to remember what I'm doing, or what I've just finished doing. I feel trapped inside, like something inside of me is trying to get out. There's very few things that make me feel happy or even okay. There's even less things that put my mind to rest. I overthink everything, I over analyze everything. The things I say and do, the things other people say and do. I question all of it and wonder why I have the thoughts/feelings that I have. I wonder why I'm doing the things I'm doing. Nothing seems to make sense to me because if I do one thing, it doesn't feel like the right thing to do but at the same time it feels like that was the only thing to do. The motivation inside of me has died as the years went on, left behind with a once happy and driven person. What do we do when nothing feels right? What do we do when every little thing makes us wonder how and why. Is this the cause of anxiety? ADHD? I'm not sure. All I know is I don't like what I do for a living because it doesn't feel right to me. I don't like my body or the mental illness I seem to be trapped with. I don't like that something inside my chest, my heart, feels trapped and wants to be free. Maybe I feel guilty or regretful about something. I don't have any answers, all I know is I want to feel normal. I want my brain to not have the thoughts it has. I want to feel like I can be myself. I want to be normal. The only problem with that is, what defines normal? Everyone has a different perception of what they view as normal. What would normal be to me? I view it as someone who has a set routine. They wake up in the morning, eat a healthy breakfast before/after they workout. They go to work and actually enjoy what they do and have no issues being there. They go home and can relax, maybe clean a little before showering and going to bed to do it all over again. I don't think "normal" people have thoughts like I do or the internal battle of second guessing everything. I don't think anything feels trapped inside them. But then I wonder if I would even be able to function like that. For years I've felt this way. I've had the thoughts and the feelings and the battles that to me, this is normal. But to everyone else it might be considered numb. It bothers me that I don't know the answers and no matter how hard I try, nothing feels right, like I'm intruding on everything or that I don't belong. Maybe letting out a loud and long scream would help but it would only be a short term solution. I'm missing something, more than human interaction. I just don't know what it is. To me, this is normal.