Late Night Thoughts

Never Enough

One day it all catches up to us and hits us hard. We realize everything we have in life, all of the mistakes we've made, all of the money we've wasted, all of the friends we've lost. I realized that for me, that's how my life has always been. I've saved money but also wasted it on many stupid and unneeded items. I have been myself around people and they are no where to be seen, either pushed away or leaving by choice. It's happened to me several times, late at night everything rushing to me and hitting me like a brick. I've sat in tears, crying for hours on end while I think about how I only have one true friend, everyone else is only there when they want to be. I've sat up all night crying after having my heart broken, thinking to myself that I'm not good enough and I don't deserve to be loved. I have always given myself to other people and it has always come back to bite me in the end. Those people I give everything to always end up leaving and hurting me, not meaning to. I'm not like a lot of people. I mask my pain by giving other people happiness, keeping my own suffering for when I'm alone. I've looked down at my wrists as blood flows out, blaming myself for those people that left, thinking about all of the things I should've done different, all the things I should've said. I can't help but think to myself that I will never have friends and I will never find someone that loves me the way I love them. My whole life I have given to others, putting their happiness before mine and doing what it takes for them to be happy. My whole life I have been taken advantage of and I have felt the aftermath. I don't like the life I'm living but I don't see it ever changing for the better. There's only one thing I could do to make it better, and that's to end it.