Late Night Thoughts

Myself Before Others

Life has been like a rollercoaster recently. During the day I'm fine and content with what is happening but once the moon starts to shine those feelings get replaced with worthlessness, regret and envy. I start to overthink about everything I've done and am currently doing, making me realize that I'm an outcast and I don't belong. Attracting new friends is impossible and keeping current ones isn't easy. I always feel as if I'm not good enough to be friends with someone. I lack the self confidence required to walk up to people and become friends with them on the spot. The regret coming from the things I buy and the decisions I make, decisions that have cost me friendships and relationships. I'm so defeated by people leaving that I don't even want to take the time and find new friends because I already know what will happen. My night time struggles are a daily thing that slowly consume me, leaking into my daily content with life. At what point will it all become too much again? At what point will I throw in the towel and say enough is enough? I watch the people around me live exciting lives as they travel, party and don't have to work. I feel like I'm almost too much like the last generation in the way of work ethic and maturity. That's another reason I can't find friends, maturity. Everyone around me seems so young and dumb that I get easily annoyed. Maybe my brain is right and I'm the dumb one in society but who knows. What I do know is I am ready to throw in the towel and have a redo at living a normal life but that wouldn't be fair to those around me. My mom, my boss, my best friends, my cat. All of them have put so much time into bonding with me and being a big part in my life that it would leave an impact on them I would never forgive myself for. But then again I need to think about myself and what will make me happy. Putting others first has always lead to disappointment and nothing in return. So maybe with this, it's time I put myself first.