Late Night Thoughts

Isolation

There's a constant feeling of being unwanted. I spend many nights alone, thinking about how the people I consider friends are no where to be seen. I feel more alone now than ever before and its biggest single fear; the feeling of isolation. Maybe I did it to myself, sure. But where are all those people are promised the would never leave? Where are all those people who told me they were always here for me and that they were my friend? I truly feel like if I needed to turn to someone, I would have no one to turn to. I check my phone out of habit but I never see a new text notification. Not even from the people who say they need me the most. How many signs does it take for people to realize the fight inside is almost over? The constant feeling of not being good enough is weighing me down. The constant feeling of begging people to be in my life is weighing me down. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to keep people in my life that have no desire to be in it. I've always had mental health issues but the last time I felt this way, I ended up in a hospital for seven days. Would anyone really notice if I was gone? Would anyone really be affected if I was gone? There is no future for me. I have myself to blame for this, clearly I did something wrong and ruined the relationships I had. There is no one asking if I'm okay. There's no one asking what they can do to help. There's no one there for me on a daily basis. I drive myself crazy wanting to message people and talk to them but I stop myself every time because I don't want to bother them with my problems. But it's to the point where the fight inside me is dying, and soon I will be too.