Late Night Thoughts

Nothing More

I do it to myself. I develop feelings for people that don't have a desire to be with me the way I do with them. I look at them as if they are my last chance at finding happiness and when I get turned away, it shatters me. It brings back the feelings of not being good enough. It reminds me that not even my own father wanted me. What is it that I'm doing? I get told I'm cute and that I have an amazing personality. Do I try not hard enough to keep people in my life? Do I not try hard enough to be more than friends with people? Do I try too hard to have a connection that I make for the perfect friend and nothing more? There's so many questions I have and everything gets washed away with self doubt. I feel like I waisted your time once you make it obvious there is nothing between us. I feel like I made a fool of myself for developing feelings for someone that doesn't want me. I shut down at these times and it drives people away. I ruin everything good I have in my life just simply by being me. Which is ironic because everything I have that is good, I have because I am me. I grow close to people and get attached to them, almost worshipping them every time we talk and it's never the same in return. But in the moment I never realize it. Not until my eyes get opened for me, by either them or someone else. I will never be good enough for anyone. I will never be exactly what somebody wants. I will always be that friend you talk to when you need something and it's convenient for you. I'm always the shoulder to cry on, even to myself. I don't know how to make my feelings go away and honestly I don't want them to. I'm just tired of being hurt over you not having any for me.