Late Night Thoughts

Broken

I gave you all of myself. My entire life, I've been afraid to truly open up to people and show them who I am, my flaws and my weaknesses. I've always been afraid of meeting someone I love so much, and them leaving because of who I am. I don't let people get to truly know me, I don't let people get too close. You were the exception. As soon as I met you, I broke down my walls and let you in. I told you my past, and my plans for the future, the plans that involved you. I gave every minute of everyday to you, craving your attention. I let myself fall into a love I had never felt before, a feeling I was scared to have. I told myself from the beginning I was going to get hurt. I told myself from the beginning I would be destroyed if you left. But I was stubborn and didn't think you would ever leave. I thought I had done so well at pulling you in that I had nothing to worry about. I didn't have problems with telling you how I was feeling, the thoughts that I always kept hidden from people. I had planned the rest of my life out, all of it with you. You knew my weaknesses, my flaws, my insecurities. You knew I was afraid of being abandoned by you. I knew you weren't ready for the kind of relationship we had. There wasn't a second of any day where I thought you were going leave. You knew what I wanted in life. You motivated me to keep going, to continuously work out, to go to college, to go to work everyday so I could come visit you. You were my reason for living. And then you told me you didn't love me like that anymore and you just wanted to be friends. This was the moment I feared, the moment I was afraid would happen. I had opened myself up to somebody and it came back to bite me in the ass. I let myself get attached and diluted my brain with the thought we would always be together. We shared so many smiles and laughs together. We fell asleep at night with each other every day. We woke up to each other more days then not. This was my ideal relationship. You had promised you would never leave me and I believed you. But you left me and it broke me. I couldn't fall asleep at night. I dropped out of college. I stopped preforming at work and I stopped working out. You had completely ruined me and turned me into someone I no longer wanted to be. I started to dislike everything I was doing and I started becoming depressed again. I went to the hospital for suicidal ideation, they gave me medication and told me I'd get better. But I never got better. I only got worse. I would talk to people about life and I slowly started to realize that because you had left, I had nothing to live for anymore. I tried to take my own life, swallowing my medication and then driving to lunch with my boss. I didn't want to live a life that you weren't involved in. I hadn't felt happy since you blocked me. I thought it was my only option. To this day I still think about you every night when I'm going to bed. I still think of you slowly getting out of bed and stretching as you wake up in the morning. And I still think about how happy I was with you. I let you into my life, and showed you who I am. And I regretted it immediately. I'm still not okay to this day. I die inside waiting for you to message me, knowing you never will. I ache to hear your voice again and to see your smile. I will never be able to forget you or our memories. I won't be able to let someone in as easily as I did with you because you broke me. I just want to feel happiness again but I don't think it's possible without you.