Late Night Thoughts

Everything

How often is it we find someone that can make our mind race with a million things to say, but also leave us speechless with their presence. That's how I feel with you. I have all these things I wanna say to you but when it comes time to say them, I'm not sure how to put them into words. It hurts for me to sit back and not message you, blowing up your phone trying to talk to you but I know that you have to live your life and focus on what's going on around you. I don't want to push you away by caring for you too much but I also don't want to annoy you by trying to not care enough so I don't bother you. In my eyes I'm annoying to you and since I wanna always be honest I feel like you're uninterested in me and you'd much rather us stay as friends. Maybe it's my mind trying to play with me and sabotage this but at the end of the day that how I feel about it. I try to be there as much as I can but sometimes I feel like you'd rather me not be there at all. Someone told me they could tell I care a lot about you and that I like you a lot and all I could say was they were right because I didn't know I had made it so obvious. I overthink everything but it's for a reason and that reason is my past. I used to think when someone was busy they were busy, just to find out they had been lying to me and never liked me. I've been told we would talk tomorrow just to never hear from that person again. It scares me every night I go to bed that I'm not sure when the next time I'm going to here from you is. If I lost you or went a day without talking to you, my entire life would crumble down because you've become my motivation to get through my day with my head high. I know there might be times you want to turn to me and I know you're only able to do that if I'm going to be strong for you, with you. Just as you would be for me. I'm constantly reassuring myself you're never going to leave me and that if you have to, you will always come back. That's because I've been abandoned by everyone and everything in my life. My dad left me, my step dad left me, the military left me, all my friends have left me, people who said they loved me left me. A life without you isn't a life I wanna live and I'm telling you that not to scare you but to show you how much you truly mean to me. I hate not being able to talk to you every day because I have my dark moments more than you realize. But talking to you and hearing your voice or seeing you laugh always make those moments disappear as if they were never there. I wish I was able to do the same for you. I wish as soon as something was wrong and you needed someone to talk to or a quick reason to smile, you would turn to me. That's what I'm trying to be for you. I want to be the person in your life that's going to motivate you to better yourself, be able to get rid of those dark moments and at the end of the day give you a sense of comfort and trust. I'm not sure how much I mean to you or how strong your feelings are for me, but I do know that you are everything to me and everything I'm doing is to make our dreams come true. You're my reason for waking up and working out. You're my reason for working hard each day so I can get raises to save money for our future. You the reason I can find happiness in little things like a text back. You're the reason I find the ability to sit down and eat each day, even if I haven't eaten at all and I'm not hungry. I mean it when I say you are everything to me and I'm trying to be the same to you.