Late Night Thoughts

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Meeting you was one of the best moments in my life. It will be a Christmas I never forget because on that day, I met the girl of my dreams, a cute blonde with green eyes that was just as athletic as I was. We started off quick, immediately I caught feelings for you and they only grew stronger the more I learned about you. You were someone who had everything I wanted, a good sense of humor, a breathtaking smile, a contagious laugh, an outgoing personality and a good drive to be successful in everything you do. It started out as fun, constant flirting and always giving each other attention, a desire to want each other more. But it quickly grew to more. We both became comfortable with each other and got used to always talking, still getting to know each other. I was overwhelmed with what I felt, a feeling to be closer to someone then I had ever thought possible before. We went from flirty friends to a mature couple, calming down and talking about our days and our dreams to be together. Being with you was the happiest I had ever felt. Falling asleep with you on FaceTime became normal and comforting. Waking up to go to work in the morning with us still on FaceTime and waiting for you to wake up was what I wanted for the rest of my life. These are the little things I will never forget, just like I will never forget you. The day you left still keeps me awake some nights. I vividly remember you in your room, your phone facing your closet as you looked at me and told me you couldn't do this anymore. I laid in my hospital bed full of tears, quietly sobbing so the nurse wouldn't get worried if I was okay. You told me you couldn't go everyday worrying if you would have to drop everything to talk to me and calm me down so I wouldn't try killing myself again. I asked you if we would ever talk again and you said maybe then hung up. That was the end of us. You blocked me on everything you possibly could so I couldn't talk to you. I couldn't sleep the rest of the time I was in the hospital, heartbroken and missing your voice. I came home and couldn't sleep because I wasn't falling asleep with you anymore. I didn't want to wake up and go to work anymore because I knew I wouldn't get to talk to you. Everything went downhill for me, I was more depressed and heartbroken then I ever have been. Part of me was missing and it still feels the same way. Ive had dreams of you texting me again and I would wake up to check my phone, crying once I realized it was a dream. I stopped working out like I was, lost my drive to preform well at work, no longer wanted to talk to people. Everyday I hope to see your name pop up on my phone from either a text or a call. I know it will never happen, but deep down I want it to. I guess I just want answers as to why me attempting to kill myself turned you away. I can't help but think maybe you left because your ex had just got out of rehab and you went back to him. I won't ever know why you left or why we will never talk again. I think that is what is most upsetting.