Destination Life or Death

26.

It had been over two weeks, and we were practically back to normal. Carl had started wearing white bandages around his eyes to cover it up. I still hadn't told him about what I did to Ron. He thought Michonne stabbed him after he passed out, he doesn't know anything of what I did that night and that's why I have been so distant with him. Enid and Carl were hanging out more, and I knew that, and I was okay with it. I knew I couldn't be with him right now. I had too many secrets. I was watching one of the towers when I saw Spencer hop over the wall and go into the forest, so I followed him. "I got him.'' I said, stabbing the walker that was coming towards him. "You think I couldn't get it?" he asked, looking at me before I turned around. "You could've. But I have a sword." I said, looking at him. "What're you doing out here?" he asked, not moving his gaze from mine. "I was on guard and saw someone go into the woods." I paused, "What are you doing out here?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "I walk after my shifts. I've been doing it for a while. You're the first one to notice." he said nodding to me and then looking at the ground. "So why do you have a shovel?" I asked, motioning to the shovel strapped to his back. "I'm gonna keep walking now," he said, avoiding my question and then walking past me. "I'm coming with you." I spoke quickly but not turning to follow him yet. "It's okay," he said, still walking away. "Your mom let me tell her things I have only told one other living person, your mom let me tell her things I didn't think I would talk about again." He stopped and looked at me "Well, what did you tell her?" he asked, looking at me waiting for a reply. "Something I should've talked about way sooner. But now, I'm just trying to find another thing to stay quiet about." I paused, "And now I'm wondering why her son is wandering the woods, alone, with a shovel." I said smiling slightly. After a while of me following him he finally spoke. "Why are you still here?" he asked but not turning around to look at me. "I liked your mom a lot, and I don't want you to die." I said shrugging, "So let's go home." I said tapping his arm. "My family is dead." he paused moving away from me, "That's not my home, that's just where I live." he said turning to face me. "It's more than that," I added quickly. "Hey. Enough!" He cut me off. "I'm fine. You have a life back there and maybe I will too, but before I can even think about that. I need to take care of something." he spoke quickly. I didn't say anything, "I have to try." He spoke again. "I can help you," I said nodding while looking at him. He shook his head, "You can't." he said while staring at me. I put my hand on my katana quickly when I heard the leaves crack, before squinting my eyes to see between the trees. I saw a body move quickly before seeing the cowboy hat upon his head. "Carl?" I asked myself while watching him. I looked closer to us, behind a few trees to see Deanna walking towards us. She moved slowly, "I thought I saw her that night." Spencer said before pulling a small dagger out of his pocket. As she came closer, I could hear the growls coming from her mouth. I couldn't help but cry, but I didn't show it. I didn't want Spencer to see. I went up behind her and held her arms down while Spencer stood face to face with her. He was crying and soon the growls eventually stopped when he slid the blade through the back of her head. He sat on the ground with her in his lap as I stood looking at him. "That's why I was out here." he said looking up at me, then down at her again. We buried her in front of a tree that I carved a D into. "She left me a note." he paused. "She said I still knew my way." he laughed a little, "I never knew my way." he sighed. "You loved your family?" I asked, not moving my eyes from his. "Yeah." he replied. "Then you know your way. It's home." I said nodding. "They're gone." he added quickly. "I've been out here chasing you in the woods." I paused smiling, "You still have family Spencer." I said, putting my hand on his upper arm. "You still have a home." I added quickly. "Let's go." I said, grabbing my katana from the trunk it was leaning on.

Later that night I sat with Judith and Carl on the porch. "I need to talk to you about some things." I paused, "Carl, when everything happened, I talked to Deanna, and she told me not to take love for granted, and after what happened I cant stop dodging you." I said, shaking my head. "I love you, Carl. I really love you. And I lie to myself and tell myself I don't care that you hangout with Enid so much but I do care, and not that you're friends with her but that you want to be more than friends with her." I said shaking my head and then looking up at the star filled sky. Before he said anything, Glenn came up to us and took Judith inside. "I'm interrupting something, huh?" he asked after grabbing Judith. I looked at him with wide eyes and nodded at him to leave, "Okay, sorry, sorry, i'm leaving." he said before winking at me. "Carl, seriously," I paused again. "She told me that love is not something to be scared of and honestly I was terrified." I looked over to him to see him now looking at me. "Dezzy," he spoke softly, "Why did you take this long?" he said putting his finger under my chin to keep my eyes level with his. "I love you Dezzy." he said moving in slowly, I felt his breath touch my lips before I kissed him. I felt his soft lips touch mine and his hand moved down to cup my cheek. I pulled away and looked at him, "But on another note," I paused "Can you and Enid start hanging out inside the walls?" I asked, looking at him with a smile. "I can't lose you." I said standing up and taking a deep breath in. I thought about telling him what I did to Ron, but at that moment I didn't think he'd care. He would understand and I didn't need to feel ashamed for it. Ron got what he deserved and we both knew that. "Let's go to bed," I said, putting my hand out for him to grab it. As we walked up stairs, I felt his hands move across my waist. "Carl, we live in the same house as your dad," I said putting my hands on his before going into our room and closing the door behind us. "I'm not doing this here." I said laughing before crawling into bed with him next to me. "Dezzy," he spoke quietly, "Can you find someone else to go on runs for you, just for a little bit? You're always gone and I just want to be with you, like how we used to be.".I ran my hands through his hair. We used to spend every waking moment together. I missed it too and especially after he was shot, I regretted not being here more. I took responsibility when we arrived in Alexandria. "Yeah," I paused. "I could use some time inside the walls." I said smiling and then leaning down more to get comfortable. "Goodnight Carl," I said, still running my hands through his hair.