Destination Life or Death

18.

"Go away Carl." I spoke with anger. He just left me there alone, to follow Enid over the wall. I knew I was overreacting a bit but I was jealous and I didn't want him to see it. The door wasn't hard to pick the lock, just with a tip of a blade he twisted the lock and opened the door. "What if I had been changing?" I asked , raising my eyebrows but not moving from where I was sitting, cross legged on the bed. He came and sat in front of me but I spoke before he could. "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked looking at him, "Why didn't you tell me you like her? I would've been fine with you going and hanging out with her." I said looking down at my hands in my lap. He laughed and shook his head, "It's not like that Dezzy," he said smiling. I peeked up at him, "Honestly Carl," I paused, "It's fine, I don't care." I said shaking my head and then leaning back stretching my legs out, putting them over his lap. "You do care!" He said, looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I rolled my eyes, "You're still MY best friend!" I said nodding. I always called him my best friend. But for some reason, this time just made me feel awkward. Made me feel how he always acts when I say it. "Come on," I said, getting up and sliding on a pair of black and white sneakers that I had found on the road. I put my hand out for him to grab. We walked out of the house as he followed me. "I come here when I can't sleep." I paused before laying down in an empty field that sat at the back left corner of the community. He laid down next to me, the sky was still a little bright as the sun was going down. "Trust me." I said, smiling while looking over at him and then looking at the sky again. One by one the sparkles started appearing in the sky. "When I was little," I paused, thinking about if I was ready to talk about it, if I was ready to talk to him about my past. "My dad used to drive me up to the mountains for a weekend. Just me and him," I smiled and closed my eyes trying to envision it. "We would sit on the top of his truck and look above at the stars. He would always take me out to see meteor showers too." I said, smiling and then opening my eyes to see Carl staring at me. "What?" I said, laughing before looking up again. "Nothing." He shook his head before moving closer to me. I laid my head on his stomach angling my body horizontal to his. We sat in silence, just staring at the sky. We must've fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes, Ron had been standing above us with Enid and Mikey. "What are you guys doing?" he said, looking at us confused. Sleeping outside to us wasn't something new, or weird. It was something we were used to. "Oh, uh...." I said sitting up and rubbing my eyes and then looking back at Carl, who had sat up too. "We just..." I said, shaking my head, "We were watching the stars," I said, pointing to the sky and then standing up. "I'm gonna go take a shower," I said looking at Ron then at Carl. "I'll catch up later." I winked at Carl and flashed a smile to Ron before walking quickly to the house we'd been staying at.

I saw him hop the wall again. I was nosey but also curious. He knew I didn't like this place yet he would never leave with me, so I followed him. I ducked behind a tree further back. "Carl!" I heard Enid's voice louden to get his attention. I looked over to him as he looked around for her. A part of me wanted to turn back, it was hurting me, I was upset. But I wanted to know. "I know you're following me," she paused, "again." I looked around the tree and waited for something. "And you're going the wrong way," she said, still not coming out from wherever she had been hiding. "You knew?" he questioned, still looking around her. I would duck everytime he looked my way. "You're very loud," she said as his foot stepped on a twig. "Can you go back?" Enid still did not show herself, "To be honest, you scare me," she said awkwardly. "You shouldn't sneak out by yourself," he paused. "Two people just died," he said, talking about Aiden and Noah. "Oh, come on!" she said annoyed while walking out from the tree she'd been behind. "People always die. You know that." she said shrugging while still looking at him. "We should go back," he said, looking at her and then the ground. "Why?" she asked, shrugging again. He paused and shook his head, "What do you do out here anyway?" he asked looking around behind her. "Same thing as you," she said before running away with him quickly following behind her. I looked around and then put my forehead to the tree. Before looking around and quietly following them. We came to a stop when Enid saw a walker. She pulled out a small white manual timer and twisted it before throwing it. As the alarm went off they ran. I went up and stabbed the walker in the head with a pair of scissors I had taken from the house with me. I followed their tracks, stopping further back behind them when they sat down against a log. "We're supposed to be out here," she said pausing, "we're supposed to feel like this." Carl looked at her but didn't say anything. "I don't want to forget," she said looking over at him, "and running makes me feel better." she smiled but looked away quickly. "I can't forget," he paused, "I dream about it. Being in the forest with them." he said nodding, not taking his gaze off of her. "I do too," she said, staring out at the trees in front of her. "Ron's a good guy." Carl said looking at the ground. I shook my head, I felt my face getting hot and the tears filling my eyes but I shook them away. I guess I thought more of us than he did. I knew I should've left but I didn't. "He is," she smiled but didn't look at him. "Does he know you come out here?" he asked, still looking at her. "No, he wouldnt understand," she said before grabbing her backpack quickly before grabbing a small knife and starting to carve the wood. "Why do I scare you?" he asked laughing a little. "I don't know. You just do," she let out a small laugh but didn't look at him. "What happened to you?" he asked, "When you were out there?" he added quickly. "Does it matter?" she asked, looking over at him not moving her eyes this time. "It does. I know. Something bad has happened to me too." I knew he was talking about his mom. He never opened up to me completely about it, but I knew enough to know he went through something no kid should go through. The sound of walkers was coming from a distance. They looked at the sound quickly before hiding in a hollow tree trunk. I layed on the ground in the bushes. That was the best hiding place I had with the walkers as close as they sounded. It was a small horde maybe around 20, but they all had small W's carved on to their foreheads. One of the Walkers must've heard them because it started walking to the trunk they were in. I walked quietly up behind the walker and stabbed it through the back of the head. Looking at Carl when the body fell, who was now holding Enid's hand. I looked at him with tears filling my eyes. "Really?" I asked, looking at them both and focusing on Carl again. "It's not like that?" I questioned before feeling a warm tear go down my cheek before I turned around and dropped the bloody scissors I had been carrying. "Wait," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder and turning me towards him. "Don't." I said, shaking my head and walking away quickly, leaving them there. When I got back, I started moving all the stuff I had put in the room I shared with him. I was more upset then angry, I was upset he lied and didn't tell me things. I was angry, and annoyed. "Dezzy, please!" he said coming into the room as I was moving some stuff into an empty room. Now that we had all split into different houses, we had more room. "Carl, I'm not mad that you like her," I paused, knowing I was lying to myself more than him. "I'm mad that you lied." I said, turning to face him. He walked up to me before putting his hands on my arms for me to sit on the bed. "I'm sorry." he shook his head, "How long were you out there?" he asked looking back at me. I shook my head "The whole time, Carl." I said, shaking my head and getting up to walk to the room I had taken down the hall. He followed closely, "Dez, listen," he said standing in the doorway before I reached it. "If there is something more here we need to talk about it." he said, walking into the room so I could get past. "I don't know what there is anymore, Carl." I said, shaking my head but not looking at him. "Obviously, I thought there was more than there was." I said, hearing my voice break but clearing my throat to hide it. I never liked anyone before this, never had a crush or dated someone. I was scared to admit, in this world, I felt that way. I felt his hand on my shoulder, he knew I was hurt, he always knew. He didn't say anything, he just pulled me into a hug while I cried. How was it that I let it out to the person I was so upset with? Why do I feel safe enough to cry about him, while he holds me in his arms? "I'm sorry, Dezzy." he said, pulling away and whipping a tear from my face before I turned around again to look away from him. "I just..... I don't know, '' I shrugged, "I just need space.'' I said looking down to the floor and then at him over my shoulder. He sighed and walked to the door. "Okay."