antidote | h.s.

16 - she dances

harry styles

What in the fuck did I do?

Monumental.

Gigantic.

Abominable.

Every single word you can think of, that's how bad I fucked up.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I wasn't thinking. That's the thing. Every single thought I've ever had before just disappeared the second her lips touched mine.

I never thought that could happen before this. I always thought when people said their mind went completely blank because they were in shock, they were just exaggerating.

Boy was I fucking wrong.

That's the thing, though. I was entirely surprised. More than surprised. Startled. Bewildered. Fuck, I'm going to need to invest in a thesaurus eventually, just to describe how Ashton makes me feel. That is, if she ever wants to fucking see me again.

We were fully mute for the entirety of the drive home. Our meal was cut kind of short because of the weird tension suddenly in the restaurant, and obviously neither of us knew how to handle it.

I waited a bit in the newfound silence before I asked for the check, trying desperately to not make it seem like I was eager to leave just because she kissed me.

I wasn't. At all. I really wanted to jump her bones right then and there, but I knew with how suddenly anxious she was because of the situation, she wouldn't take that very well.

She also deserved better than a bones-jumping. She deserved a nice first kiss. A specials one.

Well you made it real fucking special, Harry, by rejecting her.

I'm trying to tell myself she wasn't that hurt by it, and that I'm just overthinking it, but I know that's not true.

I tried to walk her to her apartment when we got back to her place. I made it inside of the building and to the bottom of the stairs before she turned around and thanked me for everything, giving me an extremely stiff hug and making her way up the stairs without even a glance back at me. That really stung.

I don't blame her. I don't deserve anything from her, really. Even if I hadn't completely fucked up the kiss situation, I don't expect anything from her. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. A lot.

It hurts because we were doing so fucking good. So good, and my big stupid brain had to go ahead and mess everything up.

I've texted her, too. She hasn't answered. Shocker. I wouldn't answer either, honestly. Can't blame her.

Me:
hey
i had a really great time yesterday
i think we're having another game night on saturday and you're invited if you want

I can't decide if pretending it didn't happen is even the right move. I don't exactly know what else to do.

Do I apologize? Or would bring it up just be too much? I'm really struggling to figure out what's going to help this and not harm us. It's not easy.

It's Friday, and I've avoided Drew all day today. I really don't need him asking how the date went, because he can always read me like a fucking book. 

I know I can't stay away from him for much longer, because we're having people over tomorrow night. I also know that the longer I don't talk to him, the more suspicious he's going to be. Therefore, I've decided to quit the avoidance once he gets home today.