antidote | h.s.

40 - too afraid to love you

harry styles

I'm gonna tell her.

And I'm shitting myself over it.

I realized over Christmas that it isn't worth it to keep it to myself anymore. I love her, and I want to tell her.

I know it's so quick that I probably won't even get it back from her, but I don't care. All I can do is pray that it doesn't scare her away. Her loving me back would just be a nice bonus. Well, a really fucking amazing bonus, but I'm being realistic. I just want her to know she's loved a whole fucking lot by me.

God, I'm freaking out about it, though.

She got back from her parents a day ago, and I flew in late last night. It's been at least a week and a half since we've seen each other, which is the longest we've gone since we've known each other, I think. I asked her the last time we facetimed if I could take her to dinner once I got back, and she obviously said yes. Then I just had to figure out what the fuck to do.

I thought a nice restaurant would be the best option. It's out of character for sure, but I think she deserves something nice for this. There's one a few minutes from her apartment, which is perfect. I told her to dress nice, and then she yelled at me for taking her to a fancy and expensive place, which I expected. I'm not changing it, though. I'll pay for whatever I need to if it's for her.

So now here I am. I'm driving to her place in dress pants and a button-down, and I have absolutely no clue how I'm going to actually say it.

Is it something I can just blurt out? It's out of completely nowhere, so I feel like it needs a build-up. I don't know what else to say, though. Do I need a speech? I could talk about how much she means to me for hours, but I'm blanking on how to express it most accurately. It's too much, and I'm stressed about it.

But I'm running out of time. I feel like it'll just all come out whenever I say it, and overthinking it is doing me absolutely no good.

When my feet eventually hit her doorstep, my anxiety at an all-time high and my head spinning, all I need is her face behind the swinging door to calm me down.

And she does.

"Hi, babe," she speaks first, reaching her arms out to hug me, but I'm still stuck looking at her. She looks amazing.

Her hair is curled loosely, the ends sitting upon the dark green sleeves of her dress on her shoulders. It's long sleeve and looks like it wraps around her body a couple of times and ties in the center of her waist tightly. Her legs run smoothly and slip down into delicate heels that have her almost as tall as me. Our eyes are at practically the same level. She smiles at me once I finish my gawking.

"Hello, gorgeous," I manage to respond. I circle my arms around her, and our lips meet graciously with a hum.

She smells good too. I love her.

I eventually win a compliment battle between the two of us, and she lets me in to see Nova with a playful roll of her eyes. It's been even longer since I've been able to talk to Nova, so I spend my time getting some cuddles in before Ashton's handing me a lint roller and pulling me off of the couch.

By the time she gets me out of the apartment and down to the car, I'm holding her against it to give her a real kiss.

She hums against my lips in question. "Eager, are we?"

I only nod, kissing her deeper and making her giggle into it.

Getting in the car, I can't seem to keep my hands off of her. Whether it's in her hand, on her leg, or her arm, I can't stop. She laughs at me for it, but I know she has no clue what I have in store for dinner. I can't tell if that makes me excited or more nervous.