The Diary of Our Love

Chaptet 37

Two months flew really fast and I eventually left London and moved to New York. I had been in the new city for a month by then and I haven't seen James since London. It had been three months though we talked every day on the phone. In the space of there months many things changed. Metallica had released another album called Reload and they were on tour promoting it. Gary and Lil were having a baby and I was going to be a godmother. Skylar was also pregnant. It seemed like all my friends had decided to give birth at the same time. James was having a baby girl, and Francesca and he were living in the same house. Life changed for everyone except for me... mine was the same... lonely...

I was really concerned about James though. He had asked me a few times to come down to New York to see me but I refused it even if it costed me my soul. I wanted him to be more involved with his child and thus I had to step a way to let him do that, but James seemed so distant sometimes, distant from the real world. He seemed a bit lost. Kirk told me he had been drinking a lot and Lars was also worried about his condition. He wasn't happy at all, I could tell, but he was excited about the little girl. The only times I could hear happiness in his voice, it was when he talked about his daughter or about us being together. My biggest fear was that James couldn't balance his feelings so he would end up hurting himself and everybody around him. He was destroying himself little by little. That was so visible. Sometimes he called me completely wasted. His conversations didn't make any sense.

I lived in an apartment in Manhattan. Gary came to New York two weeks earlier to set all the details. He had told me I had a small apartment waiting for me. I remembered how my first house in London was so I thought it was going to be something like that. I was wrong. The first time, I got in my new house I discovered how mistaken I was. The apartment was a huge penthouse in a building in Manhattan. I lived there alone, so I didn't quite understand why the bigness of the place. The luxury was evident and it made me a little uncomfortable. I was a simple girl. I didn't need all that, but Gary insisted that I should keep it. Finding a good house in New York wasn't an easy task and the agency was paying for that one. I confess I felt lost and lonely in there but I had been there for a month and life was about to take some livable shape.

During that month, Lani and Sky came to visit me. Our friendship was solid. Lani brought the news she was getting married. They wanted me to go to San Francisco but I didn't think it was the right time yet. I wanted to give James some space. Us being just friends was not easy. It was impossible to stay that way when feelings are involved. Whenever we talked, he ended up saying that he loved me and that he missed me and hearing these words made it impossible for me not to tell him the same, because I felt the same. So, being close and living in the same city would only hurt us even more. Even though we hadn't seen each other it was like we were never apart. I felt a bit guilty for loving him when he was having a child with another person. I knew the right thing to do was to leave his life for good and give them some space, maybe he could love her and have a real family. However, my feelings for him were stronger than anything else, and every time I tried to tell him so in the middle of our conversation I'd lose courage. Deep inside I knew I would hurt him even more and myself too. I couldn't endure the thought of not having him in my life at all.

I started working in New York right away because I didn't want to have much free time. I didn't want to have time to think. So, my schedule was filled with fashion shows and photo shootings, some commercials, but most of all, I was really excited that I was going to be in the new Victoria Secret's catalogue. Even if professionally, I was doing so wonderfully, I was not as happy in New York as I was in London. Maybe it was just because I was still getting used to the city, but everything was different. My culture was way different, my habits... my heart was broken once again... my soul was shattered... maybe it was not the city at all. Nevertheless, when I went out in the streets the size of the buildings amazed me. Sometimes I had a feeling I couldn't even see the sky if I looked up, and that suffocated me for real. The streets were huge. There were millions of people walking out on the streets. I didn't know if I could have made this if Gary and Lil weren't there with me. I cried almost every night before I fell asleep. I felt sad, unhappy even, but I didn't show anyone how I really felt, not even Lil. I had learned how to disguise my feelings. It was not a good thing, and I knew it, but at least I wouldn't pour my misery down on others. This was part of the reason why I didn't want James to visit me, because I knew he would read through me and I didn't want him to worry. He had enough on his plate already.