The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 98

I came back home a wreck. I didn't eat anything the whole day and I felt so sick that I totally skipped eating when I came back home too. So, throughout the entire day the only thing that got in my stomach was a toast and a cup of coffee that I ended up throwing out in the middle of a class. I never mentioned it to anyone, not even James, but it had been a while since I had been losing weight and I was barely eating. James noticed a couple of times I wasn't eating properly but I've always excused myself saying I wasn't hungry. In fact, it wasn't an excuse, I truly didn't feel hungry most of the times.

I've always been like that, to this day actually. When my nervous system is shaking, I lose my appetite, but not as bad as that time. Around that time, I barely ate at all. So, when I got home, I went straight to my bedroom and crashed on my bed... crying. I cried for a couple of hours and then I decided I should get my shit together. I should take care of myself too. Thus, I called Skylar, who was pleased by my phone call, and it made me realize that it had been so long since we had last talked. Most of all because I never had time for her or for anyone. I only had time for college, my job and James. James consuming most of my energy. I realized then what everyone meant when they told me I was isolating myself.

We talked for about an hour. I asked her to get me an appointment with a therapist. I needed therapy, or at least I thought I needed it for my head was a mess. I ended up slapping James for almost no reason at all, and I don't remember slapping anyone in my whole life, let alone that person being him. I knew how I had betrayed his feelings. He thought I didn't trust him at all when he, on his side, deposited all his trust in me. He must have felt like I failed him. No... I felt like I failed him tremendously. I did fail him. Anyway, Skylar got me an appointment with a friend of hers on the next Monday afternoon. I was glad it had been fast for I really felt like I really needed therapy. I needed someone impartial to talk to. Someone who didn't know me or James at all and wouldn't take a side, not mine or his. I needed an outsider.

I cried myself to sleep that day and the next day was just a blur. My eyes were so swollen I could barely see and my head was pounding so much that I couldn't even walk. Despite all, I tried to have breakfast. I had a cup of coffee and a toast but I threw it all out an hour later. I had the same nausea as the previous day and I felt so bad that I just buried myself on the couch and watched TV the whole day. My mother was in New York with my father, so I didn't have to explain my state of pure depression to anyone and I was glad it was that way.

Pepper called me during that afternoon. I learned that James had bailed on the appointment with the doctor. In fact, he didn't even know where he was because he didn't even answer the phone. I wanted to call him but it was useless because I was probably the last person he wanted to talk to. Anyway, after settling with Pepper that he would come for a visit the next day, I called James either way for I was too worried.. Like I expected, he didn't pick up the call, nor the second one and neither the third one. When I tried the fourth time, I let it ring until the voice mail signal biped and I left him a message.

"James... hum... it's me. I am so sorry... I... I hope you can find some space inside you where you can forgive me. Forgive me, please..."

It would take him a while to listen to it, or at least it seemed so to me. Maybe he wouldn't even listen to it, but I hoped it would have some effect on him. I didn't hear from him though.

On Sunday, Pepper came for a visit and brough two bottles of wine..

"I came to make you feel better." He said, waving the bottles at me which caused me to laugh.

"What a good friend you are." You mean, you came here to get me drunk!" I told him.

"Sort of." He smirked.