The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 65

As I got home, Disco greeted me wagging his tail and I patted his head, caressing his fur and behind his ears. He was 4 months old and was getting big. Then, I went straight to our bedroom and I slammed the door and tossed myself on the bed. I buried my face on one of the pillows and cried. This time I don't know if I was crying of jealousy, or frustration, but I felt really sad. I cried for some time feeling completely hopeless and feeling horrible about myself at the same time. When I got some hold of my emotions, I left the envelope on James's side of the bed but stayed lied down staring at the ceiling. I stayed there for so long that James came back home. I heard his truck in the yard, as he entered the property, and then heard him parking it in the garage, but I didn't move from the bed, or changed position, I was frozen. Then, I heard him getting inside the house and Disco barking at him. He talked to the dog and then called me.

"Lea? Babe?" I didn't reply for I was like numb. "Honey?" He called again.

Given that he was calling me for a second time, I got up and went downstairs to meet him. He was coming out of the living room when I was taking the last step of the stairs. I stopped looking at him, as he did the same.

"I was looking for you." He told me. "I thought you weren't home. It was so dark in here." He said, taking a few steps towards me and kissing me on the lips.

"I was in the bedroom. I wasn't feeling alright." I tried to give him a smile, but I guess it didn't come out.

He took my hand and pulled me to the living room, and I followed him without offering any resistance. He sat on the couch and then pulled me down to sit on his lap. He wrapped his arms around my waist and gave me a kiss on my neck.

"You can start talking." He said softly.

His voice filled with tenderness made me caress his hair and before I could say anything, I placed a kiss on his lips.

"I feel terrible, and probably you're gonna think I am horrible too. I really don't want to talk about it." I told him. I was so afraid to share my thoughts.

"You talked about it with Lars, Lea. What am I supposed to think if you trust him more than you trust me? We have a life together. If something is bothering you, I want to know what it is. I'm not here to judge you." James told me.

"It's so stupid..." I said in a low tone, almost embarrassed.

"If it makes you cry then it's not stupid. Is this about Cali? Is that it?" He asked.

"When I put her in your arms today, I just..." I took a deep breath as tears were assaulting my eyes." I just wanted her to be mine. I saw the instant love in your eyes for her, and it's not mine. You had her with another person. I wanted to be the one to give you that happiness. I'm so sorry." These last words came out as a whisper because I was crying again.

"Oh... my love." He hushed and started kissing me softly on my face and cleaning my tears at the same time. "Babe, I love you so much." He said still hushing,.

I hugged him tightly. I loved that man so much that it scared me sometimes.

"Do you understand?" I asked him.

"Of course, I do. I wish she was yours too. I'd be the happiest man around." He said, stroking my hair.

"I almost forgot. Francesca sent you an envelope. It's on our bed." I told him.

"For me?" He asked. "What is it?"

"I don't know. It's closed, and as it's for you I wasn't going to look at it." I said getting up from his lap.