The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 85

The rest of the time James spent at home had its ups and downs. We had some good moments together but we still had our fights. He'd always find an excuse to go out and come back home loaded in alcohol most of the times. It didn't matter how hard I tried to make him quit, and he knew I was right, he'd do the same over and over again. It was out of control and it was hard to live with his addiction. It was almost impossible to live with it and it was getting worse every day.

When he left for the second leg of the tour I don't know if I can tell you if I was sad or relieved he was gone. Maybe a bit of both. Sad because he was going to be away and I loved him still, but at the same time relieved because I was going to have some peace for a while. It hurt to know what he was doing to himself even thought he was far away because I knew without me around, things would only get worse. That time I didn't flew to meet him at all. The tour was going to end with a show in San Francisco and that would be the one I would attend. To sum things up and to tell you how bad it turned out, he forgot to call me sometimes, many times. I always ended up calling him though and from the tone of his voice I knew he didn't forget it; he was just too drunk to do it. It was very sad and painful to see him go all the way down and hitting the bottom. Lars had to take some of his interviews because he was not "feeling well" and I knew he had missed some photo shooting too. According to Jason, he couldn't even stand up. The problem was getting serious. So serious that Lars called me to talk about it. Obviously, it was starting to affect Metallica too, and he was worried.

"You have to make him stop Lea." He told me.

As if I hadn't tried... my heart was crushed. I hated to see him like that, and worse than seeing him fall hard down on the ground was to know that he refused to accept he had a problem. James thought he was fine, which difficult even more our attempts to help him.

Every detail for the wedding was set by then. Our wedding would take place in three months. That day was June the 20th. It marked five years since we first met. I looked at the clock and made my calculations, according to Barcelona time, we hadn't met yet. I smiled thinking about the way we met, and I almost could have the same sensation I had when he first shook my hand introducing himself. I could describe the smile he had on his lips, and I still remembered what he was wearing, some really old ripped tight jeans and a black shirt, a really old one, and a pair of cowboy boots. If I closed my eyes, I could hear the tone of his voice telling me "Hi, I'm James." And I could still smell his scent at the time, he was wearing Hugo Boss. I still remembered all that.

I was getting dressed to meet him at the Oracle Arena. The raiders usually play there, so it was a cool place and Metallica sold out. Even though they're playing in town, they hadn't been home yet. The previous day they had another show in Seattle and that morning they had an interview at a local radio in there, flying right after it straight to the arena. Fear was taking care of me. I was afraid of what I was going to find. All type of thoughts came to my mind while I got dressed. Nevertheless, I wanted to look pretty for him. I put on a black denim dress with a white top under, leaving the dress a bit unbuttoned so the top would show. I tied my hair in a pony tail and put on some make up. I shadowed my eyes with dark grey, it looked really well. I put on my biker boots and I was finished. I looked in the mirror and I was satisfied. I looked perfect for a Metallica concert. I picked the keys of my jeep and drove to the arena. I turned the radio on and almost head banged to Sepultura while driving. I was in a good mood despite all. I parked my car in the parking lot reserved for the crew and family members. I greeted some crew members I knew and then I saw Zach. He gave me a hug and took me inside.

"How's he?" I asked in our way inside.

"Not bad. He hasn't drunk much today. I dare to say he's still sober." I sighed with relief. "He's been drinking so much." He told me.