The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 80

We made love again and after, James was fast asleep but I could not close my eyes. I was feeling tired, exhausted even, but I could sleep. I was hearing the wind blowing strong outside and the sea was louder than usual. Waves crashing against the rocks or simply getting lost in the sand. I was wide awake hearing all that and at the same time with the thought ringing in my mind - Lil's funeral in the morning and how I would never be able to talk to her again.

I mean I could talk to her, but I would ever get a response from her, or hear her voice again, or hear her laughter. People say we tend to forget people's voice or laughter after they died, I still remembered hers quite well. Even today, if I close my eyes and concentrate I can hear her calling me, and I can hear the sound of her laughter so well. I don't want to forget that. At least, if I close my eyes I remember how she was and I have a piece of her with me.

I started crying. With all the turmoil inside my head I could not hold my sobs anymore. I held my loud sobs for as long as I could, but then I subsided to it. I gulped it down, and I choked it, but then, not taking it any longer I left the bed as quick as I could so I would not wake up James. I slide out of the bed with a perfect unnoticed move, and I went to my living room. I leaned with my forehead against the glass of the window watching the dark of the night outside. The trees were shaking with the wind, but that was all I could see. I stayed motionless against the window and started crying a bit louder. I needed to cry loud. Maybe scream if I had too.

My sobs were strong. My whole body shaking as I cried, and nothing seemed to relief my pain. I was crying so loud I knew James would hear me at any time, but I couldn't take it inside any longer. I felt so much anger, sorrow, rage... it was such a mixture of feelings all boiling inside of me that I had to let it all out. Crying does that. I cried and cried until I lost strength on my knees and kneeled on the floor while my shoulders shook violently and it seemed like I could no longer breathe. Then, I felt hands on my shoulders and he picked me up.

"Love..." He whispered stroking my hair. I held onto his neck crying.

"Bring her back... Please bring her back..." I asked him between sobs, knowing it was in vain. "Bring her back to me, James..."

"Oh... Lea... babe, I would do that if I could. I'd do anything not to see you crying or suffering the way you are now." He kissed the top of my head and then just held me close and pulled me to the couch.

He sat down and pulled me to him. I laid down resting my head on his lap, and James just kept on stroking my hair while I cried. I cried until I passed out. I fell asleep because of fatigue. I know it because I woke up a couple of hours later in my bed with James completely passed out by my side and his arm resting on my belly. I got up and put on my jeans and my sweater, and I went to the kitchen and made some coffee. The wind was still blowing strongly. The sun was about to rise. I could see the big orange ball reflecting its rays on the ocean, meaning it was coming up. I poured a cup of coffee and opened the kitchen's door. It was cold, but I still ventured to walk down to the beach. I must have slept just two hours. Maybe less... I felt tired, crushed and my emotional discharge left me in a dreadful physical state.

I drunk my coffee cup watching the waves crashing in front of me, and then I got even closer and stuck my feet in the water, it was freezing. I looked at the ocean and decided to keep on walking, until I finally dived. The water froze my body but I stayed there until I could no longer tolerate the cold. I don't remember feeling so cold in my entire life, nor bathing in the sea in March. I left the water and sat on the sand, looking at the infinite. Empty of thoughts, shaking badly. My body getting colder and colder. My teeth hitting making noise. my finger nails were purple, and so was the skin of my hands. I got up and walked back to the house with my clothes soaked in salty water. As I entered the kitchen, James was pouring himself a cup of coffee that he just dropped on the floor as I entered the door.