King of the Darkest Stars (EXO Kai ff)

Chapter Twenty Five

I spent my time clinging to the small details of our night together. Trying to remember the way his eyelids clung to each other when he smiled. I tried to hold onto the things I had taken for granted. The soft touch of his hand against mine. The fire of our arguments that I had hated was now the only thing stopping me from being completely burnt out.

On the rare days - days that had been coming more and more often - when the sun was out, there was a soft tint to his hair that made it seem to glow. Angelic. I tasted the word on my mouth and played with it. You could only see angels if you were dead. Maybe my mother should have killed me with her goodbye. A small breath resembling a laugh choked out of me. She was a coward in every meaning of the word.

I wished I didn't resent her as much as I did.

I am dead.

Is this my hell? I thought over the decisions I had made. Was I supposed to be more obedient? Was I supposed to have been more docile? Did we burn in the fire we created in our lives? Was it worth it? Every situation I played over in my head I couldn't find another way that would have helped me.

Maybe that was because I was selfish.

Maybe if I had focused more on my family and my kingdom and not on gaining small freedoms then I would have died better. The coachman was dead. I was dead. That carriage ride must have been my last moments and the rest was all... I don't know.

My mind had its own distorted control now that my hands were tied.

The usual group of women came and untied me to allow me to release my waste. I lack a better term other than it involved a dug up hole in a tent, but it was the one moment of privacy I got each day. The smell was overwhelming and it washed out any thought my mind tried to pursue, poisoning it all and drowning me in the merciful filth.

I was even disgusted with myself.

I drank the water from the tap they used to wash their hands. It seemed clean but if no one remembered to give me water for another day, then at least I wouldn't die. It also meant I would get to be untied again when I had to go again.

It was a small mercy.

Once again tied, I sang under my breath the stupid song my mother had loved to sing me when I had been scared and begged at the foot of her bed for soft ignorance.

"The sun is a candle. The moon is a pearl. The trees are just painted. The dark is a mercy." I laughed at the words. She had always liked to play pretend. Anything but face reality. Always wearing a mask. Always the opposite of everything I was. Always everything I wished I could be. I was in hysterics now and people were staring.

A man walked up to me and I couldn't stop laughing. He grabbed my hair and yanked my head back against the pole. I didn't meet his eyes until he wrapped his hand around my throat. I couldn't help but grin up at him, despite my horror and fear a strange bubbling laughter escaped from me.

"You really have gone mad after only a week and a half." He sounded disappointed. A week and a half? Had it been that long? How many days was that? Nine? Ten? "I hope their plan moves faster than this. They change it every three seconds. Don't look at me like that. Disgusting."

He let go of me and I dropped my head. So things weren't going to plan? Another laugh ripped from my chest. Seconds later I was crying. I cursed myself for wasting the water I drank and took deep breaths until I stopped.

I looked up at the camp and my gaze stopped on a soldier who was staring at me strangely. His figure was tall and straight and his gaze was sharp. His face was U-jin's. I couldn't help but giggle and cry again. The man was right. I was going mad. I had left ruminating over the small details so long that they'd fallen into exactly what I wished they would be. Ruminate. Isn't that also what goats do when they eat?