youngblood | a.i.

thirty eight || i started craving something else

Saturday, October 24th- 10:28 p.m.

As the night grew older, the songs passed that one after another. Ashton kept me within eyes view, but still refused to truly dance with me. I was just grateful for what I got out of him.

I don't think my smile ever once wiped off my face during that night. I was so happy just to be alive. Every emotion I was feeling was falling together perfectly. I wanted to understand how I felt for once instead of drowning them out. I was beyond happy just to with the people surrounding me, every single one of them meaning something to me.

Even in the car as Ashton drove us back to the party that was about to come to life at his place, my subconscious smile was still unerasable.

With one knee propped up to lean my arm on, I lolled my head to look over in his direction. He was smiling too for once, enough that I could see his dimples.

"You're smiling," I commented, lolling my head back to rest against my propped-up arm again. I watched the cars passing us in the other direction, looking in the mirror to see the line of cars following behind as life prepared to let loose within his house.

"Yeah, and so are you," he replied. I could see his lips moving under the hand he held over his mouth in focus.

I was smiling, Ash, cause you didn't make it incredibly difficult to be happy anymore.

"We need to take these panels off one day," I switched the topic, looking up to the night sky locked away by duck-taped vintage jeep roof panels.

"Why?" he laughed, looking over to me as I stared up at them. "I told you about how I broke them."

"Because I want to see the stars, and right now I can't," I told him, looking back over to him as he focused back on the road. "And everything deserves a second chance, don'tcha think?"

I gave you one.

"Yeah," he whispered back, understanding what I was hinting at. "Everything deserves a second chance."

The car went silent for a moment, the sound of passing cars filling our quietness.

"You laughed the most I've ever heard you laugh tonight," he pointed out, wrapping back to my serotonin high.

"Yeah, cause for once I wanted to be alive."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he quickly responded, taking his eyes off the road to try to read my expression.

"We all have our secrets, Angel," I responded quietly, feeling myself close off from him.

He looked back to the road, sucking in a deep breath as I'm sure his mind wandered. The car fell silent as our breathing synchronized and our hearts struggled to keep up with the other.

I considered telling him, but how would I even explain it? I drowned my sorrows in alcohol and filled the missing pieces of my life with sex when Lexapro didn't fix me. What would he truly think of me after that?

"I drink to stop the thoughts," he finally spoke, breaking the deafening silence. He had sensed my fear, sharing something about himself to make me feel more comfortable."Ot's what my father did too. I was always bound to become him anyways."

"I drink to fill the craving and stop the pain the meds and sex didn't," I confided, admitting something only Luke partially knew. I had a feeling no one knew about what he has just told me either, so being honest didn't scare me like it used to.

"When's the last time you drank?" he asked quietly, like he didn't want to scare away my honesty.

"That night after Andrew tried the second time," I admitted. "I was still hungover when you met me on the roof that next day."