youngblood | a.i.

twenty two || never off the table

Saturday, October 10th- 7:55 p.m.

I didn't get another text from him after I left the locker room, and it was calming to be free from him for a bit. When I had to talk to him or even see him, it gave my mind a chance to wander. He was continually giving me reasons to trust him, and I hated that I couldn't. It didn't matter how much he proved himself, everyone I've ever let in only hurt me, and every time I thought about the good he did, I couldn't help but think about the evil too.

And sadly he was tonight's roof thought. Occupying way too much of my mind, he was the only thing I could think of in this moment. I always ended on the same conclusion- you'd already hurt me once. That's all you ever do. It's all they ever do. It'll only get worse from here.

So I tried to think of something else on my mind, but it kept falling back to him, and that's why I thought I was imagining his voice when I heard it.

"Angel," his voice rang out. "Out of the roof again?"

My head flew in the direction his voice came from, and I thought it was all in my head until that authentic green brought me back down to earth. "Yeah," I nodded, looking back away. I didn't know why he was here, and quite frankly, I would have loved it had he left- but a part of me wanted him to stay.

"You're always out here," he stated as he crawled out the window, walking over towards me.

"And you're always breaking into my house to find me," I spat back, a small smile on my face.

"Well, if you're just going to avoid me, I have to do something," he responded as he finally reached me. I scooted away from the wall, giving him a space to sit down. I know how much I originally hated being out in the open up here so I tried to always give Luke the wall side, and now Ashton.

"Or you could take a hint," I laughed, looking over at him.

"You know," he said with a sarcastic tone as he slowly moved to sit down. "I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that."

I laughed to myself, finding it ironic how that was what he was going to ignore. Silence quickly fell between us again as I returned to my original thoughts. 

"I don't think I've ever actually heard you laugh," he commented quietly. It caught me off guard, so I looked over at him with a confused look on my face. "Like I've seen you smile when you're happy or fake laugh when you're drunk or pissed off but I've never heard you actually laugh."

"Well, you make it incredibly hard to be happy, even just for a moment," I defended myself, looking away.

It hurt a little knowing he was right. I can't remember the last time I genuinely laughed. Almost every happy expression I make anymore is forced, and it was painful knowing the people around me didn't believe the facade I put on.

"It's only because you don't let yourself be happy around me," he explained, making me shift in my seat from how correct he was. "You don't trust me and therefore won't let me see the real you. From that, you're never happy around me."

I bit the inside of my cheek as I listened to his words. I didn't know what to say because he was right. I was never happy around him because I was too scared to trust him, and that's just how I was- especially with him. "Is there a reason you're here?" I quickly defended, cutting off his analysis. "I really don't appreciate you breaking into my house and psychoanalyzing me for shits and giggles."

"Your front door was unlocked. I didn't break into shit," he fired back. I could feel his eyes on me, but I continued to face forward, watching the sun in front of me. "Come on," he said from behind me, standing up.