youngblood | a.i.

twenty five || wanna put money on it?

Sunday, October 11th- 9:47 a.m.

When I opened my eyes the next morning, I felt that same warmth I had fallen asleep to. Ashton's arms were still wrapped around me, and for the first time, I didn't want to push him away.

The last time I'd woken up with him wrapped around my waist, I couldn't even remember what had happened the night before. Actually knowing now what had happened only made everything harder for me now. I still refused to trust him-- the bad he had done outweighed the good, but he was slowly evening them out, and that scared me more than anything.

I push him away in every way I can, but he always managed to pull me in somehow. Something about him was like a magnet, but we were both supposed to be negatives. We have always pushed away from each other. When did one of us become a positive?

I haven't been able to come to a full conclusion about him since the last time I woke up with him tangled around me. All I knew then was that I didn't want to know what had happened-- the lie in my head was easier to believe than the truth I eventually learned. Looking back, I wish I had just kept believing that lie because it was so much simpler than dissecting the emotions I felt about him now.

All I knew right now was that I didn't hate him like I needed to- nothing more.

I knew that I didn't want to pull away when he tightened his grip on me. I knew that I melted back into his touch as my skin heated at our contact. I knew that the sound of his breathing against my back brought me a level of peace I couldn't explain. I knew the feeling of the warmth wrapped around me made me feel that same contentment I had a few select times before. But I knew I wished I felt numb right now, so I wouldn't have to process what all that meant.

I grabbed my phone off the side table, scrolling through it as he slept soundly behind me. I started by answering my mom, telling her I was okay after I didn't explain why I wasn't coming home last night. Then I went to Snapchat, opening Luke's response to my 'what happened to a 'hem's' secret?'. it was a photo of him copying my expression with 'what happened to you hating ashton?' across the top. I clicked to send a photo back, snapping one quick and almost typing out my message when I realized you could see him behind me.

I swore under my breath as I caught myself, erasing what I had written, and looked back at the photo. You couldn't see much of him behind me, barely enough to even distinguish it was him, but there was one thing very easily visible- my smile.

I used to smile all the time as a kid before my world came crashing down. Once I found alcohol and so many other unhealthy coping mechanisms, every smile I put on was forced... but I didn't force a smile to take that photo to send to Luke. It was a subconscious thing that I had already been doing. I hadn't even adjusted anything when I took it. I just snapped it as soon as it gave me a chance, meaning for the first time, I wasn't faking that smile.

I clicked the save to memories button, pulling the photo away before moving to take another. I zoomed in on my face so nothing behind me was visible, and made a stupid face to distract from the fact I was trying to make everything around me invisible. I clicked the photo button, inspecting the photo to make sure Luke couldn't see anything, deeming it safe before typing out my response. 'i asked first'.

I clicked send, moving to Calum's response to my 'coach kinda made me'. He was making that stupid face he always did when he was suspicious, 'what happened to editing something and making up a lie' typed out above his head.

I did the same thing I had done with the picture to Luke, zooming in close and making a stupid face to distract. 'he had other plans', I typed, clicking send before I felt him move behind me.