youngblood | a.i.

thirty || two halves make one broken whole

Monday, October 19th

When my alarm went off Monday morning, I could have launched it across the room.

Although the time I spent with Ashton over the weekend was fun, the rest of the time after was draining as I tried to get my emotions in order.

I had no clue what I was feeling right now and I had no idea what to do about it. I wanted to trust him with every bone in my body, and he gave me more reasons each day but I still couldn't bring my mind to let me.

So instead iI just kept slowly letting my body give over pieces of me to him, hoping one day I would have trusted him with it all. It started with the pinky promise thing, moving onto the kiss, then to the moment when he took my shirt off and I wasn't scared, then on to the true happiness I showed him in the kitchen the next morning.

I craved him more than anything else, so I knew I couldn't just push him away forever, but for now, I would just have to keep him within a safe distance until I could finally get my mind to give into my body and my heart.

I didn't want to be awake right now. All it truly gave me was more time to think about things I didn't have answers to, but I also had school and practice, so I didn't get much of a choice.

I drug myself out of bed, through my morning routine, and through my classes. I just wanted to go to practice and go home, so when I received a text from Luke as the end of the school day rounded in, I could have cried.

lukey

tell coach i'm not going to be

at practice. i went home sick.

how tf am i supposed to get home now??

idk. ask calum or something.

I drug myself through the locker room door, looking down at my phone as I went. I sat at my bench, pulling my bag off my shoulder, and letting out a deep breath as my frustrations grew.

Calum wasn't even in the hallway to meet me like he usually does. My luck, he's not here either. That only leaves me with one other option.

"You good, Auni?"

I turned around to see him, relief flushing over me. I spun on the bench so I was facing him, watching as he pulled his shirt for practice down over his head.

"You seem stressed," he told me as he finally reached me.

He didn't touch me, rather kept his distance, but I respected that. There was still a huge difference between my Ash and this Ashton Irwin, so I didn't push him to drop his facade for me in moments like these.

"I am," I admitted, standing up to face the other way and start getting ready for practice.

He walked closer, sitting on the bench where Calum usually did. I dug out clothes, starting to explain to him- even just speaking to him let some of my frustrations die out.

"Luke's not coming to practice," I stated, pulling my shirt over my head, switching into my other. "And I don't know where Calum is so now I don't have a ride home and I don't want to call my mother cause god forbid does she have to-"

"I can take you," he spoke from beside me, cutting off my anxious ramble.

"That was the next thing I was going to ask," I admitted, looking over to him with a stupid smile on my face. "Could you?"

"Yeah, it's fine," he reassured me.

I smiled as I looked over to him. "Thank you."

"Don't be scared to ask me, Auni," he whispered as I sat down on the bench, facing him.

"I know," I whispered back. "i just keep thinking about how you said you're two different people and I don't want to mess up anything for you."

"Auni," he sighed, scooting closer to me. "Both parts of me still care about you."

"So which part was the one who locked me in the chemicals closet then?" I asked, sarcasm lacing my tone.

He looked away from me. "I told you I was sorry about that."

"Yeah, definitely," I nodded along, laughing lightly.

"I told you if I could take it all back, I would," he defended, looking back up to me.

He'd said it before that all he wanted to do was stop the pain he was causing me, and he'd also said that I was the only thing keeping him together. He wanted to stop whatever pain he was inflicting even if it would cause more for him, and that wasn't something I should understand like I do.

"I wouldn't," I told him, not elaborating past that as I stood up to join the team filing out the door.

If I was being honest, I wouldn't change the pain he caused me, cause the good was finally starting to out weight the bad. I don't think I'll ever understand why he did all the things he did to me, but I can see a difference in who did those to me and who I've spent weekends in the cabin with.

I understand why he has two different parts to himself too, cause I do too.

I show everyone the perfect Anastasia Hemmings who lives every day like it could be her last- like a youngblood- not the Anastasia Hemmings who numbs her feelings with alcohol. Yeah, one side of me lives every day like it might be my last because it's the other half that would be behind the trigger the next day.

We're all a little broken inside, and we cover up the cracks with fake smiles and perfection since no one can be hurting inside. Everyone in this town has two different pieces to them and I promise you that.

Luke is two separate people based on who he's around. My Luke would beat the shit out of someone if they dared touch me, but the Luke everyone else knows follows in the shadows of others. He wouldn't dare step out of line, even if I'm the one taking the bullet. His facade changes his morals, and I'm yet to discover why.

I don't know Mikey well enough to understand him yet, but the way My Luke describes him to me is very different from the way I know him. He follows in the shadows like Luke, and lives like it might be his last day like me, but he keeps to himself mostly.

Calum tends to be the only person I know who doesn't have such a huge switch in personality based on who he's around, but maybe he's not around the wrong people yet. He still stands up for me, whether we're in a room with just us or surrounded by the team, he sticks to his morals. But I've never once seen Calum Hood cry, because that's the one thing his facade covers- true emotions.

Ashton's facade is one I understand most. He covers his fears and emotions with fake strength so no one around him has a reason to see him as weak. He admitted to me that I was the first person who'd broke down his walls, the first person to realize he's just as broken as the next. And even though I didn't quite understand why he was broken yet, I knew he was.

All I knew was I was the glue holding, you, Ashton Irwin, together, and you were mine.