youngblood | a.i.

seventy six || we'll never be alright

Friday, November 13th- 3:50 p.m.

I think I'm starting to realize how I use my defense mechanisms to, in turn, hurt myself because I care too much about protecting all those around me.

I see the best in people and I do everything to keep them safe. When I realize I'm what's holding them back, I will inflict every inch of pain on myself necessary to make sure they will be okay.

I think it's a form of repression and denial, but I know what I'm doing when I push him away. I just refuse to accept that maybe a good thing is allowed to happen to me. Maybe I am allowed to be happy. Maybe I am allowed to want to live.

But my mind can't wrap around that idea, so instead, I push people away.

That's what I did yesterday with Ashton. I sensed a chance I could get hurt when he left, so I pushed him away to 'protect myself' which in the end would only end up hurting us both.

But I'm broken. He knows that. He knows that I don't know how to act around the idea of pain. I fear it so much that I push everything and anything away that could cause it- including him.

That why I'd stuck to exactly that pain response for the past 24 hours. Every time Ash would reach out, I tried to ignore it. I didn't want to hurt him and I knew that was in turn what I was doing, but I had to protect myself this time. We all remember what happened when I didn't last time.

I wasn't sure how it was truly affecting him- he never let me see his pain- but I just hoped he was okay. I knew he was alive because we periodically texted since he feared I'd done something again, but I had no clue how he actually felt. He always put my safety over his own emotions, but I hoped for once he was valuing himself like I was trying to make him.

I knew this game was going to be rough... It was the last home game before we moved onto districts. It was senior night and Ash's mom was supposed to be there. There were still supposed to be scouts there like last time. Ash was set to score his 100th career goal, and he and I were back to the same terms we had been on square one. The worst of all? This was the first game I'd have to play after finding out my second family had been lying to me- the lie that almost killed me.

But another one of those coping mechanisms I was talking about was disassociating people from the memories they'd burned in my head. I'd been doing it for months with Andrew and Ashton, what was one more game? At least the season would be over soon.

That's why I treated everything that day like they weren't who they were. I ignored everyone around me, ready to play my game as if I didn't know a single person on that field. It was the easiest way for me to force myself to do it, and in the long run, it was the best for everyone.

I only ever get hurt by the people I love and he only hurts the people he loves. We were a recipe for disaster from the start. No wonder they always leave that part out of the fairy tales.

I'd managed to make it through the locker room without a hitch, ignoring everyone around me and arriving late to avoid a specific someone. I made sure to time myself well enough to put the smallest amount of time between when I'd arrive and when Coach would appear to take us out to the field.

Thankfully I timed it quite well, Coach walking in as I finished tying my cleats. I pulled the headphone out of my ears at his presence, listening to his usual pep talk as I finished my last-minute things.

He explained how senior night would work, and how at halftime they would each walk across the field with their parents and have their final recognition as an eagle on their home field.

Thankfully I was a junior still, so I didn't have to worry about it, but Ash did. Everyone else I was close with did, but none of us were on speaking terms.