youngblood | a.i.

fifty two || j'adoube

Tuesday, November 3rd- 6:45 p.m.

| J'adoube |
the intention to adjust the placing of a piece without making a move with it.

——

Ashton wasn't at practice today. My best guess was whatever he had done to his foot either needed time to heal or he was actually getting it checked out.

But regardless, it made getting through practice easier. Without him there, I could actually focus on playing instead of the fact I was falling apart on the inside.

When we were finally done around 5, I changed quickly, ready to go home and pass out before I would have time to think. Luke drove me home quietly, the vibe between us changing after I realized he had been lying about something, and something that sounded big.

He finally spoke when we reached our neighborhood, making me look over to him. "I'm going over to Mikey's to actually work on this Chem project. Mom said she would be home late but there's money on the counter for you to get pizza or something."

I nodded, still avoiding him more than I talked to him. He finally stopped in front of the house, letting me out before backing out to head off to Mikey's.

I dug through my backpack for my key as I reached the door, unlocking it and closing it behind me before running up the steps. I grabbed clothes to change into, quickly showering before heading back to my room. As I walked around organizing the normal daily things like my clothes and my backpack, it gave my mind time to wander.

I fell back to the same topic I always did- Ashton.

It made me want to drink, and I knew I had a bottle of tequila in my closet, but something kept me from actually going to get it. Instead, I decided to go out onto the roof for the first time in a while to distract myself.

I played music on my tv, turning it up loud enough I'd be able to hear it out there, grabbing a can of Dr. Pepper to distract myself from the idea of alcohol before climbing out my window.

I sat silently trying to think of every topic but the one that kept coming to mind- I truly didn't even know how to feel about that topic anymore.

I think I'd started to realize I was in love with him that night I woke up beside him. I just didn't want to admit it to myself since I was so dead set on not believing it. I couldn't admit to myself that I finally cared about someone else, that I finally felt feelings aside from numbness within myself.

I wished so much I knew if it was actually a setup or not. I wanted to believe him so bad but every single time I believe someone, I get hurt. I wanted to trust him again but right now was simply a reminder of why I never should have.

I didn't know what to feel, mainly because I just flat out couldn't feel anything but pain anymore.

My body had completely gone numb to anything I'd felt previously. Even yesterday's win didn't pull me together like they had in the past because Ashton's glue within me was cracking.

I was slowly losing myself again and I hated it.

Because I loved who I was with him and who he was with me, but now that was gone.

I sat silently in my thoughts as the sun slowly began falling, listening to the music that played out the window. I heard as it grew quieter, making me turn to look to the window to figure out why.

"Angel, are you on the roof again?"

I sighed as I heard his voice call through my room, not even wanting to respond after all I had been thinking about. My head pushed back against the wall behind me as I sighed.