youngblood | a.i.

sixty five || you burnt me

Saturday, November 7th- 12:45 p.m.

We sat with our backs against the door in silence, neither knowing what to say to the other. I think we were both just soaking up these last few moments together, fearing it may be our last.

Just being in his presence for a little longer was all I wanted. I couldn't hold him- it sends my mind on a spiral of how much I feared his touch. I couldn't look at him- it panicked me knowing one day that hazel would lock away my favorite green. I couldn't kiss him- his lips tasted of the chemicals that would break me down like a covalent bond. I couldn't speak to him for too long- his voice reminded me of all the other times he'd said those words in the past.

And worst of all, I couldn't open the door- because I was too scared of what would happen when I did.

I wished we could go back to normal... even though he'd hurt me, he meant the absolute world to me at some point or another. We still had those memories. We still trusted each other at some point within those moments. We still loved each other, even if our whole worlds were crumbling.

Listening to him lay out everything last night, start to finish of what had happened allowed me to give him a sliver of trust. Knowing he was willing and did answer every single one of my questions made me realize he truly didn't want to lose us either.

It just took so much to trust him in the beginning to find out later it was built off an "excuse". Even if the bet didn't matter to him, it still affected me. How am I supposed to know what was a lie and what was him genuinely caring when it was all built off the same broken foundation? Any house will fall when the bones are brittle.

He'd destroyed so many of the things he'd promised me. He'd promised to keep me safe, but he was the danger he didn't know how to protect me from. He'd promised to tell the truth, yet it had all been a lie anyway. He'd promised me to show me why I could believe in love, but here he was hurting me, exactly like he'd said he wouldn't. He'd promised we'd be alright, but here we are, shattered in pieces across my bedroom floor. I guess I should have known a promise never stays.

But then there are so many little things he did that he didn't break. He told me if his world had been falling apart, he would tell me what princess meant- he did. He told me when our world was crumbling, he'd only care I was okay- here he sat on the other side of the door just to ease that fear. He'd told me he'd love me til the day I die- even through this all, he continues to tell me how much he loves me every chance he gets.

It truly would be so much easier for us both just to forgive and forget... but I don't know if I'll ever be able to. Right now he's scarier than anything that could happen without him around.

"Angel?"

"Hmm?" I hummed as I lolled my head against the wood behind my back.

"You okay?" he asked from the other side, still checking in on me even as everything fell apart.

"Yeah," I sighed, pulling my knees to my chest. I leaned my face against my knee, being close enough to the fabric of his shirt I was wearing to truly smell it again. It made me subconsciously smile- even if his presence was too much right now, his smell still brought back those memories we shared.

"What was the dream?" he asked, staying still on the other side of the door as I moved around to warm myself up.

I took a deep breath as I thought about it. "Us... If I don't forgive you."

"Did something bad happen? Is that why you were screaming?" he asked following my words.

"Yeah," I sighed back, still not know which option was scarier right now. I was giving him short answers, not truly wanting to tell him because I didn't know if that idea was scarier than him or not.