youngblood | a.i.

twenty seven || say you want me out of your life*

Friday, October 16th- 9:03 p.m.

"Ash, can you go back inside for me now?" I asked as I started down the road I knew would lead me to him soon enough.

"I'm scared to," he admitted quietly through the phone. I'd yet to hear Ashton truly upset, but right now, he sounded broken.

"Why?" I asked quietly back.

"Because my first reaction to rid of my anger is to break everything around me... and I don't want to scare you," he explained softly, using my voice as his antidote. " That's why I pushed you away last time, 'cause I was ready to break something and I didn't want it to be you."

"Oh, Ash," I sighed. "No one can hurt me more than I already have," I told him, knowing he probably wouldn't remember this conversation the next day anyways. It felt like I was talking to my Ashton again- not the one who'd left me last summer. I was talking to the one I'd woken up next to last weekend, the one who saved me the second time, the one I'd finally started to trust.

"Oh, Auni. I could break you," he whispered below his breath. "And that's why I'm too scared to even touch you."

"Believe me, Ashton," I started. "You're the one gluing me back together right now."

I hated that it was true, but it was. Ashton Irwin had been the reason I'd started to crave things other than alcohol, and that was monumental for me. I wanted to feel my emotions when I was around him, even if I was still blocking out the dangerous part of them.

I turned down the stone road, following it the same way he had a week prior. "But I don't want to be the reason you crumble again," he admitted softly. "Because I will be."

He blamed himself for so much, and yeah, part of it was his fault, but another large portion wasn't. He put all that blame on himself, whether it was deserved or not.

I stopped in front of the cabin and parked right beside his car. I thought about turning around and pretending I'd never come, that way he wouldn't blame himself when he inevitably hurt me, but I wanted to leave that choice up to him.

I got out of the car, hung up, and walked around the corner of the cabin. I could see him at the end of the dock fumbling with his phone, my name quietly falling from his lips at my disappearance.

"Say it," I called as I stopped at the start of the dock that led out to him. He turned around to look at me, his eyes showing just how drained the soul behind them was. "Say you want me out of your life."

"Auni," he whispered again, not knowing how to respond.

"I'm serious, Ashton!" I called back. "If you think I'm so weak that just your touch is going to shatter me, say you want me to leave. I will."

He rubbed his face with his hands, whispering to himself. "God. I feel sober again."

"If you think I'm not strong enough, that you're gonna break me no matter what, say it."

He didn't respond, rather he looked back out onto the water as he listened to my voice ringing out behind him. "You don't get to decide what I let break me," I defended as I grew more frustrated with each moment. "You don't get to pick and chose what parts of me to fuck over. You already broke me once, Ashton, when you left me in that room with Andrew three months ago. But I put myself all back together now, and I will not take your criticism because I let you be the glue for it for the final pieces. If you're so convinced you're gonna shatter me again, say you want me out of your life. I'll leave if that's what you want! But you just made me promise to never do that. I know it's not what you want."