youngblood | a.i.

fifty || one broken half can never be whole

Sunday, November 1st- 11:02 a.m.

When Luke finally pulled me from Ashton's arms last night, he carried me out to the car in silence. I watched over his shoulder as Ashton fell apart. He tried to beg me to stay but Luke knew I needed space so he insisted he take me home.

Ashton broke as Luke pulled me away, picking me up and walking me out. Ash's first reaction was to try to follow after, but he mentally battled himself into staying still because he knew I needed time.

I didn't see what happened after Luke walked me towards the front door, but I heard the door slam behind us before something shattered. My mind fell back to that night he'd called me drunk.

× × ×

"Ash, can you go back inside for me now?" I asked as I started down the road I knew would lead me to him soon enough.

"I'm scared to," he admitted quietly through the phone. I'd never ever heard Ashton truly upset once yet, but right now, he sounded broken.

"Why?" I asked, not knowing what the answer could be.

"Because my first reaction to rid of my anger is to break everything around me. I don't want to scare you," he explained. "That's why I pushed you away last time, cause I was ready to break something and I didn't want it to be you."

× × ×

He was destroying the room around him because he didn't know what else to break- he'd already broken me.

You always told me you would break me though... Maybe I should have listened. Maybe I should have realized I was as weak as you thought.

Luke drove me back in silence as I curled into myself in the passenger seat. He didn't ask questions. He didn't ask what happened. Rather he took what he knew from Ashton and Andrew's fight and what he knew of my issues, and let it sink in.

He might not have completely understood, but he understood enough to not push me to answer anything.

When we got home, I got out first. My sadness was slowly turning to anger, and for the first time in months, I was craving that burn from tequila instead of the way Ashton put it out.

I rushed up the stairs past my mom, Luke following behind to answer any questions she would have. From what I heard, he kept it simple. He didn't explain anything about what had happened, instead simply said I was really tired.

I quickly shut the door behind me, feeling how my body started breaking down again at the knowledge of finally being alone. I held the tears down, rushing to the closet for the bottle I knew was in there. I grabbed the half-empty one from almost a month ago, noting the other full one I still had stashed in the corner. I shut the door behind me, popping off the cap and immediately bringing it to my lips.

The burn soothed me for a moment, but as soon as I brough the bottle back down, the pain started again. I had a feeling no matter how much I would drink, it would never numb this feeling.

I'd become accustomed to feeling everything again. You can't just go numb that quickly again, so instead, I was stuck feeling every emotion and memory I didn't want to.

As time passed, I drank almost all that was left of that bottle. I'd spent the whole time mediating the fight between what my mind and heart could allow, and what my body wanted.

His touch felt different to my mind, but it didn't mean I still didn't crave the way it felt to my body. Nothing made sense. I couldn't trust him... His word meant nothing after he'd broken the only promise that mattered, but also the way he begged for me to just believe him made me want to.