youngblood | a.i.

twenty || beat me at my own damn game

Tuesday, September 29th- 3:27 p.m.

I dreaded every part of today. I didn't want to get out of bed when I woke up. I didn't want to go to school, and I really didn't want to go to the game. It wasn't that I wasn't excited for our first game, it was that I hadn't spoken a word to Ashton since he left me and my thoughts with a twist of my own words- "We all have our secrets, Angel."

What does that have to do about why he did any of it?

As much as I wanted to trust him for what he did, that idea scared the shit out of me. Anyone I'd ever trusted only hurt me in the end, so I just stopped inviting that pain onto myself. I stopped trusting people. I stopped letting people in.

The only person I can rely on is myself, and that's what I taught myself to do. Everyone and everything around me can keep spinning but I am fine on my own. That's why there are places like the roof where only me and Luke knew of it-- places like that where I felt safe to be me.

Yet yesterday Ashton joined me out there, and I didn't want him to leave. I hated Ashton with every part of my being, and trying to figure out why I didn't want to push him away at all times was draining me. All he did was hurt me, yet yesterday he told me about hours on end where he saved me. And that's why I didn't want to remember.

It would have been so much easier to keep hating him. He was a horrible person, it was supposed to stay like that. But why would he care about me if he was so horrible? Regardless of what he had done that night for me, my mind still refused to trust him, and it was better that way. All he had ever done was hurt me, why would I invite that pain on myself? 

That's why I kept my head down all day throughout school. I was usually a quiet person, mainly cause I just didn't like the people around me but even Calum noticed something was up.

"Are you okay, Annie?" he asked as he walked down the hallway toward the locker room. I wasn't paying attention, rather I was lost in my thoughts, so I automatically hummed back to him, trying to figure out what he said when it registered to me he'd asked something. "I asked if you were okay," he repeated. "You just seem off."

"I'm fine," I replied with my default, following him into the locker room. It scared me the more I thought about being in here. The last time I was in here, I got locked in a chemicals closet. I can't remember one good memory from this room. But Ashton had changed since then, right?

I followed behind Cal, taking in deep breaths as we walked to our usual lockers. I wasn't super concerned about today. I was benched anyways. I didn't mind though, at least the first-game jitters weren't here. Regardless, I still changed into my #16 duck-taped jersey and shorts to support the guys from the bench.

For the first time in the locker room though, I changed along with them. Knowing Ashton had beat the shit out of Andrew- his best friend- made me feel like he would do it again if Andrew tried anything in here. And that shouldn't have calmed me quite as much as it did.

I was sat on the bench by Cal, lacing up my cleats when Coach came through the locker room doors. "Okay, team! Are we pumped?"

Everyone yelled back excited 'yes's, making the smile pull farther on his face. "Me too, Team."

He looked down at his paper before looking back up at us. "Okay, starting positions are pretty similar to last year, but we're down a couple of seniors from last year so everyone's going to have to be ready to be on at any moment." I nodded along, knowing Luke had already told me I was benched. "That includes you, Annie," he said looking over to me, causing all eyes to turn to me. "Our right-wing graduated last year, you're backing up on Young."